Escape from the Kingdom of Me

Job's Wife...

2011-12-28T10:05:00.002-06:00

There are days lately when I think that Job's wife is wrongly accused of being a horrible woman. She tells Job to "curse God and die". While I understand that to curse God is blasphemy, a sin, I also feel some bit of empathy for her. To watch a loved on suffer is, for me, torture. I imagine it was for her too. Now, she may have been a horrible woman who had no faith. I mean she was taken and as best I understand, Job was blessed with a "new" family, not the resurrection of his previous family. All I am saying is there are days when faced with what seems to be a never ending road of pain and suffering that my mind does wonder, "God why won't you take him home if that is the only way he will be healed?" Of course on the heals of that question are "NO! GOD! Heal him! NOW! PLEASE!!!!! I am not ready to be without him." It is a horrible seesaw really.

Hopefully no one has stopped reading and left thinking, "this woman is a wretched wife". The truth is, my part in all this is simply my faith struggles. It is very weird to say that though. I have taken many of those silly questionnaires to determine what my gifts are and Faith is always at the top. But the reality I am learning is that my faith is weak, more like a strand of cotton candy than the strong and durable strand of a spider's web. But for some reason that I cannot explain beyond what is so clearly evident in scripture, God continues to pursue me. He whispers truth gently through the barriers of lies I have built into walls around my soul.

For whatever reasons, (heartbreaks, feeling unwanted, feeling useless, fear, feeling betrayed) I have determined that I will live in my own strength. Never depending on others. Although this has even been a lie because I often can't make a move without the approval of another. Yet I still hang on to this self-centered, prideful idea that my whole world depends on me. To accomplish anything takes my own strength. I have believed that my salvation is a one time "I do" and done. That there is nothing further I need to do. I have poured my energy into the wrong things and wasted so much time. Yet, He still pursues me. And now all I can do is ask Him for His strength because I have none.

God, give me the wisdom to discern your word and the strength to pursue You as You have pursued me. Move my focus from trials, pain, and heartbreaks of this world to You, Your Glory, and Your perfect Love. Show me how to forgive as You have continued to forgive me, my anger, my pride, my discontentment. Show me how to truly love my family, my friends, my neighbors. I want to hold onto to You as Jacob held You even through the point of breaking and pain. But I'm scared still that I will let go. I am weak. Show me how to live passionately for You, seek You, run to You alone. Bring others alongside me that will encourage and motivate me toward holiness that is only found in You. I pray that you will also bring my family on this same journey as well. Guide Chris in the same way so that we can jointly teach Jman as You have commanded. When we are tired, give us energy. When we are sad, give us joy. When we are lonely, give us comfort. When we are hungry, teach us to be satisfied in You. Show me the way to constant, focused, devotion to You. Grace, Beauty, Gratitude. Amen.

The Spiral

2011-11-26T15:00:00.002-06:00

Months ago, I stopped taking my antidepressant. In my mind, I only dealt with anxiety, not depression. I quit cold turkey - not exactly the prescribed method. It felt as if I had vertigo for weeks. It was a very unsettling feeling but for some reason I thought it was a good thing to get it all out of my system. I convinced myself that some of my other issues (lethargy, weight gain, lack of desire) were the result of this daily pill. Now months later, with the last of the drug metabolized out of my system, was it worth it?

The anxiety at home is back. I have snapped at my son more times than I care to admit.

I have realized that it was not just anxiety I was medicating. I am battling the ever present feeling of hopelessness and the self depreciating thoughts that wound my already pitiful sense of self.

The lethargy and lack of desire are ever present although I do feel my appetite has been suppressed to some degree - I feel full much quicker and have been eating much less.

Funny though, how God works. The three of us went to the library last week. I picked up a book that I have heard much about -

one thousand gifts

by Ann Voskamp. And this is how I know I am in the clutches of depression... I read the words and am fully aware of the power in what she is saying and yet I don't want to even try. No! It is so much better to simply wallow in my own pathetic apathy. (no worries, my sarcasm is still in tact)

Is it possible that the simple (I use simple loosely as I know naming 1000 things I am thankful for would be a monumental task) act of "naming" the gifts (the blessings) would in fact be the practice needed to live fully in God's Holy presence?

I hate the nagging voice in my head that scoffs at any attempt to live, believe, feel differently. I know I am not the only one with this voice. But I know so many who are willing to fight it. What is different about them. Why am I so quick to give up? I could blame it on Chris' illness and the often dismal nature of our life right now, but I know for a fact - have seen with my own eyes - that even the worst days in our house are a cakewalk compared to what many experience on a day to day basis. This is not to minimize the difficulty of living the way we live, but rather to hold tight to the reigns of reality.

So what now? I am not ready to start that list. I am not ready to offer forgiveness to someone even though it has been eating at me for years. Pride and an ungrateful heart.

I've named them, and for now that will have to be the start... and maybe a visit to a counselor to revisit the antidepressant.

Appropriate Song...

2011-11-17T20:11:00.002-06:00

God Is God
:: Stephen Curtis Chapman ::

And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

:: chorus ::
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I

Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

:: chorus ::

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through Him and from Him are all things

So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone

:: chorus ::

I love having songs to help me keep my perspective. Even better when the words are from a favorite artist. Funny how SCC has played out in my life in several ways - but I bet a lot of people say that, especially in the adoption world :)

My Thankfulness today is for God sending Chris home to us (he isn't here yet but is more than halfway home).

Hard Realizations...

2011-11-16T23:08:00.002-06:00

When we were in college (dating not married) 1996 I think... Chris became very ill. It took several weeks -maybe months - before he received a diagnosis of Ulcerative Colitis. He was put on a sulfa medicine and seemed to do well without major symptoms until 2003. He was having a regular checkup (colonoscopy) and the Dr. noticed a slight degree of inflammation. His doctor decided to switch his medication. Well a "small flare" progressed rather quickly into a major ordeal. Chris began getting worse and worse, losing weight fast and feeling wretched. Ultimately he was admitted to the hospital. Remember that we had just married in 2000. Having no intention of leaving him there alone I slept in a chair all night with my head laying beside him on the bed - it was miserable. We both distinctly remember a young nurse walking in and asking if Chris needed anything for pain. At the time Chris said he was fine, no pain.

At some point between 12 a.m. and daylight, Chris began to hurt. The hurt turned to excruciating pain. He called the nurse who comes in only to say... "well there is nothing in your chart for pain so we will have to call the doctor." At that time I had very little control over myself and likely cursed that little girl. Chris was in the fetal position writhing in pain. Finally something was ordered and a needle stick later Chris got a small amount of relief. Another "scope" was done and the response of the doctor lead me to more cursing. He had the nerve to say he had seen much worse with patients complaining less of pain. I was so ANGRY! Chris really didn't care, he just wanted relief. He was getting pain shots every 3 hours and needing them much sooner than that. We got the feeling the Dr. thought he was a druggie or something.

The doctor finally talked to us about an IV medication that might help but that it was like $10,000 and insurance might not cover it. I told him I didn't care, if it would help then he needed it. So he was set up for his first infusion of Remicaid. He was in the hospital for 2 weeks and looked like he might get out and then... he got a MRSA infection in his PICC line site - I imagine there may have been more cursing. That added another week and a missed Thanksgiving. Oh and did I mention Chris was out of school for all this. We had just signed our mortgage in April of that same year and I was FREAKING about the fact that Chris had no leave pay (it had all been used up leading up to the hospital stay).

Well he finally got out and the Remicaid seemed to keep him in remission for a little while. But eventually it seemed that the Remicaid was not keeping the inflammation away. So the gastroenterologist tried this and that over the years. Rounds and rounds of prednisone and other horrible medications wreaked havoc on Chris' body. He ballooned with weight gain because of the prednisone and his self esteem plummeted and depression set in. Eventually, in 2008 I think, Chris received the news that the next step was surgery because we had exhausted all pharmaceutical options. I was devastated... surgery to remove his colon! He was only 32. His gastro team researched and helped Chris select a surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic in Weston, FL (Lauderdale area).

Three surgeries and a year and a half later, Chris wasn't better. There were moments of breakthrough but there were numerous ER trips, hospital stays and tons of narcotics to dull the pain. Now we are faced with the reality that this is our reality. There are no more treatment options, there are no more drug therapies, there is nothing more to do but to grin and bear it. What is this going to look like? Oh and Chris feels like he has no choice but to file for disability. He cannot stand in front of high schoolers on the doses of pain medications he has had to take just to function. What is that going to look like?

A little out and out honesty - I am a little FREAKED out... I mean I have already grown accustomed to the fact that ER visits, pain, frustration, going places without Chris, etc are our way of life. I am not angry with God for not healing Chris although I do have fears about somehow being the thing that is standing in the way of his healing (my sin that is). Anyway... this is what I am praying for and you can pray with me:

Praying that God will be clear about this disability thing, or at least give me a peace about it that we can make it

Praying that God will show us how to live much simpler lives - declutter, sell give away stuff that is distracting us from Him.

Praying that in all this, as we learn to be obedient, learn to be good stewards, learn to rely completely on His provision, that He will bless us by using us to help others.

Praying that both Chris and I will allow God to refine our character through all this brokenness.

Yeah... so that's me right now... My first purge? Facebook. While I still have the account so that I can receive updates and messages from our Sunday School group, I deleted all my friends so that I can't spend ridiculous amounts of time waiting to "connect" to someone electronically. Ridiculous I know... Now I just have to keep from replacing that with obsession with Pinterest or going back to blogging. All we can do is see where this goes and find the joy in each moment!

Rainy Day Reflections...

2011-09-05T12:25:00.005-05:00

Recently I had the pleasure of joining a group of friends in encouraging and praying over a sweet family who are about to leave the comforts of the "American Dream" for the blessings of obedience. Their story was initiated by families who faithfully grounded them in a knowledge of God. Marriage and two children later, they felt the call to open their home to an orphan from Ethiopia. This journey into a life very different than their own opened their eyes to the "Hole in the Gospel" many have experienced. Many questions flooded their minds as they dove into God's word seeking what being a "Christian" actually means. God ordained appointments flooded their lives over and over. Now, in less than a month, they will be traveling with their 3 children and a mere 10 Rubbermaid containers of "stuff" to Ecuador for full time mission work. Eventually, they expect to move from the "city" area of this country to the jungle to teach, disciple and live out the Christian life without the distractions of the once beloved search for the "American Dream".

As I sat their listening, I was overwhelmed by my selfish thoughts of wanting to experience this for myself. Thoughts of animosity over Chris' health flooded my mind, "why God! Why are we constrained by this stupid disease and the aftermath of surgeries". Feelings of entitlement that I DESPISE! are readily available. Joy for this family was placed on the back-burner because of the self serving pity party I was having in my head.

Why can't I get this right? Why can't I accept the new creation that I am in Christ? Why can't I be who I am and serve where He has placed me rather than always wanting what someone else has? Why can't I have this gift or that gift rather than praising Him for the talents He has given me?

I know this may sound CRAZY for any who know me well... But I have been in a "women's study" throughout the summer. For those who don't understand why that would be crazy just know I have rebelled against the "Women's Ministry" as I have known it. My baggage: I once approached a "Women's Ministry" about serving as mentors for women coming out of prison - part of an internship I was doing back in 2003. I presented the opportunity to a leader and well, never heard back from them. I know the failure of my argument against "Women's Ministry" but the truth is, as with all my other soapboxes, I surrounded myself with people who fueled my fire rather than with those who would encourage me toward Holiness in Christ. Ok, anyway... We have been reading a book by Francis Frangipane called "Holiness, Truth and the Presence of God". A few excerpts from this book include:

"A Holy Man is a Humble Man"
"A hypocrite, therefore, is one who refuses to admit he is, at times, two-faced, thereby pretending a righteousness that he fails to live."
"Anyone can judge, but can you save?"
"In the kingdom of God, unless you are first committed to die for people, you are not permitted to judge them."
"We know we are relating correctly to God when our hunger for His glory causes us to forsake the praise of men."
"When we speak for ourselves and of ourselves, are we not seeking to solicit from men the praise that belongs only to God?"
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13"
"Sadly, many Christians have no higher goal, no greater aspiration, than to become 'normal'."
"...our sense of reality - and hence our security - is often rooted in the familiar. How difficult it is to grow spiritually if our security is based upon the stability of outward things."
"Consider that certain prisoners are repeat offenders simply because they are more accustomed to prison life than freedom."
"So, if my quest is to know Him, I must recognize this about Him: Jesus loves people - all people, especially those society ignores. Therefore I must know exactly how far He would travel for men, for that is the same distance He would journey again through me. Indeed, I must know His thoughts concerning illness, poverty, and human suffering. As his servant, I am useless to Him unless I know these things. If I would actually do His will, I must truly know His heart."
"It is only the pure in heart that perceive God."
[pure in heart = an undivided heart focused on what God desires.
"As you mature in the Lord, a time will come when Christ will begin to reveal Himself to you as He is (John 14:21). Such encounters with the Living One are often alarming and full of dread. Do not be misled by so-called religious experiences published by man, where flowers and baby angels unveil a docile shepherd from Heaven. We are seeking the God of the Scriptures! Every man who truly met the Lord Jesus Christ was filled with fear and great trembling. Nowhere in the Bible do we see anyone who was no "as a dead man" before the glorified Lord (Job 42; Isaiah 6, Ezekiel 1; Revelation 1).
"As far as sin is concerned, we must grasp the completed work of Christ. 'Having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ' (Romans 5:1). From God's eternal perspective, we are freed from sin. It is here in the realm of time, and specifically in our minds, where sin still has a temporary hold. In His great love, however, God is removing even the barriers our sins have created between Himself and us."
"The Lord did not cease being when the New Testament began; His nature did not change. When Jesus taught His disciples to pray, He began with 'Hallowed be Thy name.' If we would truly know Him as He is, we need an Old Testament fear of the Lord combined with the New Testament experience of His grace."
"Many Christians look for shortcuts to the power of God. To try shortcuts is to become, at best, frustrated; at worst, a false teacher or prophet. Listen very carefully: there is tremendous power for us in God but not without holiness. Holiness precedes power."
"The Word of the Lord, united with the Holy Spirit, is the vehicle of our transformation into the image of Christ."
"The Word is God. The Scriptures are not God, but the Spirit that breathes through the words is God."
[Reading to read? you may miss it. Through prayer, God leads the reading.]
"But without repentance, faith is held hostage by the lawlessness of sin."
"Repentance always precedes the coming forth of the living Christ in a person's life. To 'prepare and 'make ready' is the purpose of repentance. Let us be sure we understand: John's repentance did not merely make men sorry; it made men ready. True repentance is to turn over the soil of the heart for a new planting of concepts and directives. It is a vital aspect in the overall sphere of spiritual maturity. To truly change your mind takes time and effort. John's command to the Jews was to 'bear fruit in keeping with your repentance' (Matthew 3:8). Let us realize that repentance is not over until fruit is brought forth. In effect, John was saying, 'Cease not your turning away from pride until you delight in lowliness. Continue repenting of selfishness until love is natural to you. Do not stop mourning your impurities until you are pure.' He demanded me keep with repentance until fruit was manifested. And if you will be holy, you will continue in repentance until you are holy."

Oh there is so much more in this book. I highly recommend it - but only with scripture reading. I have been so convicted of how much time I spend reading about the Word and how little time I spend reading the Word.

So there it is. Continue in repentance until fruit overflows and love comes naturally. So that is what I will do...

Precious Father in Heaven who has bought my soul with the blood of Your Son, Jesus: Forgive me for the continued selfishness of my heart. Father forgive me for my hypocrisy - standing in judgment of others lack of fruit when my own life has been devoid of love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and most obviously SELF CONTROL! Father forgive me for seeking self satisfaction at the expense of others. Father forgive me for always seeking the easy road, in finances, friendships, holiness and within my marriage. For so many more things hidden deep in my heart, burn them out in the same way that impurities are heated for removal from precious metal. May I seek only to praise You in the good days and the bad, when I "feel it" and when I don't. Thank you for your everlasting grace and mercy. Amen.

A Battle with Apathy...

2011-06-19T20:45:00.003-05:00

Wikipedia says: Apathy (also called impassivity or perfunctoriness) is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, or physical life.

This is a battle I have been waging for several years now. The unfortunate side effects? Missed opportunities with my son, out of control weight gain, a house that does not have dust bunnies rather dust mountains, diminished intimacy with not only my husband but with God and sweet friends as well, an inability to share in the excitement of others, poor time management within my job, poor money management within our home and so much more.

Some might try to make me feel better by saying, you guys have been through a rough time, or we all experience this from time to time. But I'm not so sure this is the correct response. Doesn't this truly fall right back on my pride issue I have been talking about? Pride that "we have been through enough", pride that "we deserve a break", pride that says "God save me from myself." So what then is the correct response. Is this my emotional rock bottom where God can finally speak to me and I actually hear Him? Or maybe there is still further I have to fall. Don't get me wrong, I am going through the motions. Most would have no idea that there is anything going on at all other than seeing a little laziness, poor quality of work that could be attributed to various circumstances, stress, whatever you want to label it as. But I know, deep inside, I have deceived even myself for a long time now. The scariest part right now is the recognition of this without the knowledge of what to do next. Do I just pick something, say exercise and let my brains chemistry recalibrate? Do I up my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication, do I "pull myself up by my bootstraps" and "get over myself"? All fine human responses but I am not sold.

So then that begs the question of the spiritual nature of this apathy. And if this is a spiritual battle then why is it so difficult. Mainstream Christianity says, "Admit, Believe, Confess" and there you go. Well the truth is I have prayed the prayer, said the words, confessed belief, joined a church, served, gone on mission trips, worked at a church, etc etc. So why haven't I "gotten it" yet? Why is intimacy with my Heavenly Father such an abstract concept rather than a tangible reality. And again we see it, Pride - "God! I am doing everything I thought you wanted me to do and still I don't feel any closer."

You know what is really insane? Knowing this about myself and remembering how I have questioned others faith. Let's talk about irony....

Ok, that's all the truth I can handle for the moment. I am so not enjoying the reflection right now. But praying it is for a purpose - the single purpose of drawing me into an intimate and sustaining relationship with my Father which in turn will also draw me into a love relationship with HIS church.

Do we seek the best interest of the child?

2011-06-06T10:35:00.000-05:00

If you do not see the importance of being educated about the the plight of widows and orphans in our world, read this article. I absolutely agree that adoption is not the first resort for children in need. This means, however, that we are Christians who are so evidently called to care for orphans and widows in their distress, must rethink budgets, practices, and traditions that prevent us from meeting basic needs. When there is a world that seeks to undermine everything we say and do, we can't afford to get this wrong! We can't afford to allow inhumane practices to continue under our noses. We can't afford to abide in our personal preferences and expectations. Adoption MUST be about the needs of the child - not our needs and desires and expectations, otherwise, every word in this article becomes truth!

Following hard....

2011-05-30T00:24:00.002-05:00

So there is this phrase that a friend has shared with me. A phrase that, in a way, has begun to haunt me. My journey has not been anything out of the ordinary (at least I don't describe it that way). While there have been some strange, mildly traumatic at times, and unstable things in my past, I have not experienced the worst that life has to offer. But then, I rethink those statements. What is the worst life has to offer? And what life am I even speaking of. Is it the life imagined? Is it the life others have imagined? Is it the life portrayed in movies and TV? Is it the life my parents created for me?

So this phrase... "Follow Hard After God", comes from a book my friend read by AW Tozer, The Pursiut of God. When she initially spoke of this, I think to myself, well yes I do that. [pride] Later I think well yes, sometimes I do that. [more pride] God will not let it rest and this phrase continues to haunt me. As we talked about her experience with this phrase, she even revealed how she said "I don't know God, I don't know if I can do this." In my head I was baffled, like why, what's so hard about this, isn't following God what all Christians do? [I believe God is burdened by my continual display of pride]

Some background... I began truly being a churchgoer after Chris and I were married. I would say this was my conversion but some times I wonder. I grasped the need for Christ. I wanted to learn and I felt as though I was learning so much from the sermons. I loved church and longed for the worship service. Chris and I began at this church because of a new friend. I got involved in ministry partly because it was "what we as Christians should do" and partly because I could serve and hang out with a friend. Eventually this area of service became my passion, my holy discontent if you will. Unfortunately with the growth of my passion, my pride swelled. I was serving, I was doing my duty and everyone else didn't love Christ because they weren't passionate like me. Fast forward many, many years and I found myself nearly spiritually bankrupt, literally just as bondaged by sin as before I responded to God's draw. PRIDE! I have this love/hate relationship with it. For me, for my family, this battle with pride ultimately left me with no choice but to step away from the church I called home for 8 years. I blamed outside sources for my battles for a while but can now see the true culprit... my ugly, black disgustingly prideful heart.

Following Hard After God... No, I dare say I haven't even followed softly after God. And until I can stop comparing, stop complaining, stop idealizing and idolizing my soapboxes, I will stay right where I am. Can I say I am ready to allow God to cleanse me of my pride to humble me... I don't know - it scares me more than praying for patience. I want the promises God has offered but quite frankly I am scared to death to stand in His presence.

I think, I hope, I pray, that this post will be followed by future posts under this topic. I am feeling this draw, feeling a burden, feeling something but I know I am holding back, hanging out where it is comfortable. I hope to write a different story soon...

To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love, scorned indeed by the too-easily- satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart. St. Bernard stated this holy paradox in a musical quatrain that will be instantly understood by every worshipping soul:

We taste Thee, O Thou Living Bread,
And long to feast upon Thee still:
We drink of Thee, the Fountainhead
And thirst our souls from Thee to fill.

Chapter 1 The Pursuit of God by AW Tozer

Strange Days...

2011-05-22T22:31:00.004-05:00

After having shared so much on this blog for so long, I am not sure what happened that made my thoughts dry up. I miss writing and am worried that I am losing great stories to a terrible memory because I don't write them down anymore.

Jman turned 7 yesterday!!!! This amazing energetic, inquisitive, comical little wild man continues to steal my heart while at the same time frustrate me to no end. He and I have an intensely passionate relationship - he adores me or he can't stand me. Oh and it can turn so quickly. We have gone through several weeks recently where anything I asked of him would set him off in his version of a tantrum. My desire when addressing his behavior is not to simply strike fear in him to stop the behavior but to really get at the heart issue. "Because I said so" does happen some times but I don't feel that is the best solution for this child. He is a people pleaser. Knowing this makes me rethink how I approach his behavior. For instance, this weekend Baba had his Spring football game. Jman and I had to find something to do for 3 hours (because we all road together) so we went to a local shopping center. As we were walking up he begs me to go look around the Build A Bear Store. I reluctantly agreed with no intentions whatsoever of making a purchase. He had already received his birthday present.

Then... we saw the Star Wars outfits and I stone cold facade was vaporized ;) However, Jman is more drawn to the military outfits (doesn't surprise me, just didn't know that would be a bigger draw that Star Wars.) Well he already has one animal, a dog with a Braves uni. that Grandma got him for his first Easter. I told him he could use HIS $$ to buy an outfit. Of course I am adding my plug for the Darth Vader outfit. Well, then silly me tells him to look at the animals and see if he can find his dog and try the outfit on the dog. Needless to say I ended up telling him I would buy the animal and he had to buy the accessories/outfit. We ended up with a camo. bear, camo clothes, a beret, dog tags, brown lace up boots, and a nice sound effect - a growl!!!

and the final product:

I really underestimated how much he and I would enjoy this. Only bad thing, Baba wasn't part of it and he really wanted to do this with him. I guess that means there will be a trip back for Darth Vader after all.....

Let's See if I Still Know How to Do This...

2010-07-10T22:03:00.004-05:00

6 months on my new job! Crazy!!

I am easily consumed - and I am not totally sure that is a good thing. Chris is quite sure it is not a good thing. He stays on me to not work more than my scheduled hours but it is so hard. I enjoy my job and there is a lot to do.

Since starting I have written 6 home studies and 4 of those are approved. I have been involved with 4 placements and I get to sit in with my co-worker soon as a mom interviews a potential family for her child. This some crazy amazing work.

Uhhh I types this huge paragraph about my work and then realized it is probably on the verge of HIPPA violation (not really, but they scare the pants off of us with talk of fines and jail time.) So I will remain incredibly vague and just say - It is hard work that has made me questions things I never expected to question, and has brought to light some deep held values and opinions that play have a huge impact on the way I talk with my families. So if there is anyone out there that would still be reading my mumbo jumbo, Pray that God will full me with mercy, compassion, and patience and at the same time would guide me to speak truth with love - even if it hurts the family or myself.

More good stuff at work: We have begun having "Hidden Treasures Tours" at the office in an attempt to help the community become more familiar with the minsitry of our agency. They have started off well and I am excited to be part of this ministry. Now if I could just get my church to see the value of our ministry and support us as a ministry... But we are just not going to go there right now. I am going to be inviting any and everyone to the tours. So maybe that will help people better understand the extreme need in our community and how our minstry is serving the communuty... well...

What else... My son is absolutely CRAZY!!! His personality is bigger than I ever imagined possible. He is insanely smart and quick witted. Just today he and Chris were talking. He asked about Chris' day at football camp. Chris said they lost two games, won one game, then got it handed to them on the final game. Me being the smartass that I am, said "Got what handed to you?" Chris said, our butts. Then Sawyer pipes up and says "So you got spanked?!?!" pause... snicker... snort... maniacal laughter. I was ROLLING!!!!!!! So then Chris says, you can say that again. So of course Sawyer says, "You got spanked! You got spanked! You got spanked!" Especially amusing given the fact that he has this amazingly country accent.

Chris is doing well but still has days of BLECH!!! He has not made it to the one year post final surgery yet and I keep reminding him of that. He does have some really good days though. Lately he has filled his mind with some property he found and designing us a home. Maybe there will be a move in our future, near future - PLEASE GOD PLEASE!!!! Yeah I know I am not supposed to barter with God.

Ok - after 6 months off you would think I would have more to say but I guess writing home studies and developing education classes takes a lot out of me. OH OH - I am going to a conference in October that I am SUPER EXCITED about. Not only will I learn some invaluable information about adoption and get to meet some poeple who have WAY MORE experience than I do, but, I also get to catch up with some old internet friends and meet some new ones for the first time. I am so excited. I have been on a major downward decline since getting to hook up with some of these friends in January. But the fire was re-ignited when I decided to go to the Together for Adoption Conference in Austin, Texas, October 1-2. sdAre you registered? NO? Well what are you waiting for. It is going to be amazingly cool. I was so bummed about not going to the Orphan Summit and trying to figure out how to go next year and then I found out about this one. Then I saw that Missy was going and that sealed the deal (= Roadtrip and all nighters with a bunch of adoptive mommas and orphan care fanatics, what could be better? Now if I could just get Stephanie in Idaho to come on down...

When the Right Decision Feels so Bad...

2010-04-02T20:19:00.000-05:00

Going through some saved posts and found this:

"Out of no where, I had an amazing opportunity. An opportunity to be a part of families being created through the amazing process of adoption. I had thought that this was THE job. It seemed so perfect, a great fit. So that had to be God opening a door right"

So I obviously began writing this when I felt I had to say no to the job. I was so confused by the opportunity being presented only for me to have to say no. Well in case anyone reading this does not already know... Some of the circumstances that played into me saying no to the job changed. The Branch Director at Bethany Christian Services of the Gulf Coast called me back and said - hey how about this... and I was speechless. Ok, God, I get it. I had never before really sought Him on a decision like this. I always did what wanted to do. I wanted this job, even though it did scare me a little - all new things scare me for some reason. But it was really not enough to just want it anymore because I had to think about Chris AND The Boy. The Boy requires a little more thought than Chris in some ways. So by saying no the first time, it gave it gave the branch director and my family a chance to seek what was best. All this situated around hours - 40 hours a week was just not something I could figure out because I didn't want to use after school care. We had made it this long without daycare or long term babysitting and I just didn't want to start. I was offered 30 hours which was not only GREAT for me but actually turned out great for the office as they were able to bring on the administrative assistance permanently instead of as a temp.

I have been with Bethany Christian Services of the Gulf Coast since January 11. Although it has been a big adjustment for our family, I am L.O.V.I.N.G. IT!!!!!! I am the adoptions specialist so I get to do home studies and work very closely with adoptive families as they maneuver through the adoption process. To date I have completed my first home study and have 3 others in process, 1 of which to be completely in the next couple weeks. I am learning so much and getting to use my experience of going through the adoption process as well.

I guess with surgeries for Chris and change in job and life in general, I have been distracted from blogging. Not sure if that will change or not. We will see. It is obvious from reading older posts that I am very opinionated so I am sure I have plenty to talk about, just a matter of having time to think through it and type it out... We shall see...

#helpHaiti 1000 x 1000 campaign...

2010-01-13T21:34:00.002-06:00

Tom Vanderwell, a board member with God's Littlest Angels orphanage in Haiti posted an idea on how you can be involved with the earthquake relief effort. Here is a link to the entire blog post.

I have also copied to the link for donations to the right of this screen. They are looking for 1000 people to raise $1000. I know very few are visiting my blog regularly now because I haven't updated since November (it is coming, this just took precedence.) If you happen upon this, consider donating to the relief fund. You can do $10 and commit to recruit 10 people to give $10 as well. If you can do more then by all means go, go, go!!! We received an overage from our escrow and we are committing it to this relief fund.

May God be glorified in our response and our compassion toward His people. Please feel free to leave a comment letting me know you are committing to recruit 10 others to this relief effort.

Bosco's Leg...

2009-11-17T21:26:00.005-06:00

****re-posted from Brandi's Blog and altered slightly for easier read from this blog****

This entire blog is at the request of Joseph, the Children's Hope Chest country director for Uganda. He came across this boy and his family and really wants to see them receive help. He asked Vince and Brandi last week if there were any way they could spread the word. Please read and be a part of HOPE.

"Bosco is a born of 1996, from Obule Ajet, Ngariam Sub County, Usuk County, Katakwi District in Eastern Uganda. Bosco is an Orphan with 05 siblings and a mother (Alinga Christine-29 years). He is in Primary/Grade Three in Obule Ajet Primary School . His performance at school is quite satisfactory. Bosco has horrific story, he was picked by his uncle who is a casual worker in one of the sugar estates in Eastern Uganda called Kakira. While with his uncle, Bosco developed wounds on his left leg which the uncle did not give much attention to treat. The condition grew worse and the wounds became septic. Bosco’s uncle decides to bring him back to the village, however, he did not hand him back to his mother. Bosco was left with his relatives who later notified the Bosco’s mother to come and pick her son who was ailing. On responding to the call, the mother found Bosco with a very sick left leg with septic wounds. Bosco was overwhelmed with pain and the mother henceforth decided to seek medical attention from the nearby Health Centres. The condition was advanced so they referred them to Soroti Referral Hospital . On thorough examination, the doctors diagnosed that the condition could not be treated and therefore recommended Bosco’s leg be amputated. Having come up with the cost for the operation, Bosco needs 2,000,000/= Uganda Shillings (excluding upkeep in the hospital and transportation) to have a successful operation/ amputation on his left leg. However, this colossal sum of money is a real nightmare to Bosco’s family. The mother is requesting people of good will and charities to come to her rescue as she cannot meet this cost."

The total comes to $1200 with another $300 needed for his hospital stay and transportation. Joseph asked Vince and Brandi to just raise the $1200 and he would cover the rest. Can you believe that? Joseph, Brandi's precious African Papa, offering to pay 20% of this need out of his own pocket. Pockets that aren't as deep as many of ours. Pockets that are already covering school fees and needs for more orphans than any of us can get an accurate count on :-) It challenged me and I hope it challenges you to really ask the question: how might God want to use ME in bringing HOPE to Bosco. Vince and Brandi with Children's Hope Chest would like to raise the full $1500, allowing Joseph to bless this family or the others he comes across instead. Since we don't get to see all the needs...let US respond to the ones we DO see, right?

Go to www.HopeChest.org to give!!!!
In the notes section write: Uganda / Bosco so that it's designated correctly!
I'll update you as Brandi shares about the funds coming in... pray with us for $1500 to meet this precious boy's need.

The last surgery...

2009-11-05T23:11:00.002-06:00

I want this to be the last surgery. I want Chris to be healed. I want him to have energy and motivate me to get moving. I want us to play with Jman for unlimited amounts of time. I want to plan something and not hear "we will see how I feel." I want, I want, I want. It is a real battle feeling somewhat entitled to a "normal" life all the while knowing that salvation is not a promise of that. Maybe that is part of the living in the tension. Not knowing if God will fully heal Chris or not but still being able to say, I am Yours, I trust You and I love You.

Surgery has been moved up to Monday, November 16. We had planned on December thinking he would go less days without pay but the struggles right now are not worth the wait. He has already used up all his time off again this year and then some. He is looking forward to the other side of surgery and we are just believing with everything we have that he will be healed, no complications, no rough recovery, no pouch issues, no pain, no nausea, NOTHING. This will be a miracle and that is absolutely what we are praying for as an outcome of all this. Please pray with us. We leave a week from today. Pray for perfect healing through final surgery, travel, for Jman and I and school we are missing and finances.

Besides - if Chris doesn't get well how can we get home study approved to grow our family????

Up and Down and Back and Forth...

2009-10-05T08:24:00.003-05:00

I got very excited about advocating for a partnering community through Children's Hope Chest only to allow myself to be discouraged by apathy and bureaucracy and a general disinterest even. Then I got excited again because there is a group who share the passion with me and are ready to do whatever it takes. As this roller coaster has continued, I have been able to share my experiences in Uganda with lots of people on the Internet and in person. Last week I was able to share with the kids at my church who attend AWANA. They have a large group portion of the evening where 3rd-5th grade come together and then K-2nd grade for a bible story or testimony or some practical application of what they are learning.

I had a slide show of the beautiful photos that Ria captured on our trip. I began with the passage I had recently been reading from Luke about the friends who took the time to get their paralyzed neighbor to Jesus for healing. Then I just talked the rest of the time about the children in Uganda, the things I saw, the basic need for food and clean water, and how everyone - even the kids listening to me could do something to help. The children were glued to the screens and it was not long before hands shot up in the air and the questions began. Can we send them clean water? Can we pack a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child? Do they not have shoes? Where did they get those "American" clothes? Why are children in Africa different than children in America? Do they go to school? What do they take for lunch? Why was she crying? and on and on...

The next day I received an email from our Children's Director about a family who has been struggling financially but that recognized the blessings we have because we live here in the US. She and her husband and two children were moved and are looking for ways they can be effective and help their neighbors.

Yesterday our Children's Director shared another story with me. On the way home after AWANA a mom was about to stop into McDonald's for a quick supper with her son. He became genuinely upset and told her NO, they had peanut butter at home and they should eat at home. She was very confused because McDonald's is his favorite place to go. He told her that he wanted to save money so they could give to the children who don't have any food.

Yes my eyes welled up with tears too.

So as I have allowed silly things to discourage me, God has steadily reminded me that I am not in control of this. I am simply a vessel with no engine of my own, moving forward by His grace and mercy. It has already been written that many will not understand what I am passionate about. They will not support me. They will even mock and try to destroy this mission. Praise God I am not alone. Praise God that He walks ahead of me and He will clear the path and all I have to do is follow. Praise God.

My sweet, dear, supportive, loving, God fearing friend shared this with me. I do not know the author but if I find it I will edit and give credit.

THE VISION AND THE VERITY

Called to be saints.

1Corinthians 1:2

Thank God for the sight of all you have never yet been. You have had
the vision, but you are not there yet by any means. It is when we are
in the valley, where we prove whether we will be the choice ones,
that most of us turn back. We are not quite prepared for the blows
which must come if we are going to be turned into the shape of the
vision. We have seen what we are not, and what God wants us to be,
but are we willing to have the vision "batter'd to shape and use" by
God? The batterings always come in commonplace ways and through
commonplace people.

There are times when we do know what God's purpose is; whether we
will let the vision be turned into actual character depends upon us,
not upon God. If we prefer to loll on the mount and live in the
memory of the vision, we will be of no use actually in the ordinary
stuff of which human life is made up. We have to learn to live in
reliance on what we saw in the vision, not in ecstasies and conscious
contemplation of God, but to live in actualities in the light of the
vision until we get to the veritable reality. Every bit of our
training is in that direction. Learn to thank God for making known
His demands.

The little "I am" always sulks when God says do. Let the little "I
am" be shrivelled up in God's indignation - "I AM THAT I AM hath sent
thee." He must dominate. Is it not penetrating to realize that God
knows where we live, and the kennels we crawl into! He will hunt us
up like a lightning flash. No human being knows human beings as God
does.

Blessings to you,
aMp

Found this recently...

2009-09-18T09:19:00.003-05:00

A commentary in The Word in Life Study Bible NKJV. It is in reference to Luke 5:17-26.

"The news was out: help was available for the sick! But a certain paralytic had no way to get to it. Physically disabled people like him were not only immobile, but usually poor. Useless to society and lacking help from the government, they invariably lived as social outcasts.
But some men knew of this man's dilemma and came to his need. They helped him get to a house where Jesus was teaching. Yet the enormous crowds made it impossible. Fortunately, the men were determined and resourceful: they literally tore the roof off in order to connect their friend with the Helper (v.19).
Jesus noticed "their faith" (v.20 italics added) and healed the paralyzed man.
Is there someone near you who is cut off from needed services - heath care, transportation, access to community resources, financial assistance, or advocacy in the workplace? Can you band together with others to provide what is needed in the tradition of the unnamed but faithful helpers described in Luke 5?

I have read this almost every night for a week now. I have always thought about the man who was healed and never so much about the friends. Plain and simple in scripture it said in verse 20 "When He (Jesus) saw their (the friends) faith" He healed the man.

This has been very important for me to find. Lately I have come into conversations that seem to imply evangelism and humanitarian aid do not go hand in hand. I have been trying to find the true answer - to find how God feels about that and not just how I feel. I think this is the answer. The men were faithful that Jesus could provide for the paralytic man's physical needs. Jesus took it a step further and also healed Him spiritually. Actually, He healed Him spiritually first! And I did not miss that. Jesus said FIRST, "Man, your sins are forgiven you." So here is the evangelical portion of missions. We must share the gospel first and foremost - it is a command to go and tell all nations that their hope lies only in Jesus Christ our risen Lord. Nothing else will ever matter if we are not sharing our Hope with the lost world.

But I think Jesus included the next part for a reason. He knew already what we would be facing today. He knew that people would question Him then and now. Jesus healed the man spiritually and then physically because He knew that the people had to SEE with their own eyes what had been done. I think that seeing is still needed in our human eyes. We don't SEE the spiritual change in a person's heart. But we can see when we love our neighbor through service, and help and kindness and support. Not just looking for the next bandwagon to jump on but to be in a constant state of giving to others who are in need.

This is why I love the model that Children's Hope Chest has set up with the Carepoint and orphanage sponsorship. God can create a community by bringing believers together to me in a constant state of caring for our neighbors in need. At the same time, here is the beauty of God's call, the need is so great that we are not all called to the same thing. If your heart is just not being pulled to Africa, that is ok - the need is great everywhere, in your city, state, country, nation, world. Seek God's will for where He would have to partner and serve. He is not calling you to be everywhere and to get overwhelmed. Find that one place where you can serve and in doing so discover God's heart and become more like him as you love His children.

The sponsorship in Adacar will require a community of a minimum 300 families or individuals. This community of 300 would be willing to love, pray for, support, advocate and write to their sponsored child. I also hope to lead many from this community to visit the Carepoint in Uganda at least once a year (I am willing praying for twice a year.) God is First - He is leading this. I am simply saying I am willing to be second and follow His lead. Will you be second with me?

Feeling...

2009-09-17T23:27:00.002-05:00

Really strange these days.

1. I am having a rough start this year at Mom's Day Out. Still can't figure it out exactly. Don't get me wrong, class is going really well. We have seen adjustments to our expectations already. And we have seen where we need to adjust our expectations. But I am in this state of being so obsessed with preschool that it makes me want to TURN IT OFF!! I think about lesson plans constantly. I think about activities constantly. I feel the need to read about activities and lessons constantly. It is such a strange obsession.

2. I am tired all the time. I know why - my body is in such terrible shape right now. I have absolutely no control over it. I eat whatever and I do not engage in aerobic activity other than a quick dance around the preschool room singing - "Lots of little fish were sleeping on a rock at the bottom of the ocean..." I am telling you that this body is not being treated as a temple as God commanded. Why can't my obsession be about being healthy? Not only that but it interfered with my girl time as well. I had plans for a girls night sushi last night. At 6:30 pm I crawled in bed to go to sleep totally forgetting that I had a 7pm sushi date. I am not sure they have forgiven me :(

3. Chris is not "there" yet. Where exactly "there" is, I cannot explain. But I know he isn't there. I think he has had four weeks of school and he has been out 4 or 5 days already. sigh...

4. My passions do not seem to be the ones of the majority - and that is SO VERY DIFFICULT. I know not everyone is called to adopt - but I truly believe that everyone is called to care about orphans, widows and the poor. I believe that parents are commanded to teach their children - instructing them Biblically and just plain everyday life stuff. In my limited experience it seems that many parents have turned over the reigns to their children. I did not say all or most - I said many. I specifically chose that word because it describes my limited experience - many from my limited experience. I just plain and simple do not believe that it is someone else job to do ANYTHING for my kid - church, school, extracurricular etc. It is not their job - even though I "use" the services offered - I still believe when all the dust settles it is ultimately my job to teach him.

5. Even though I know I am not promised anything when it comes to this life here on earth - that is not my home - I still long for "the normal life." Not that I can even articulate what a normal life would be. I long for a more simple life. I know that a simple life could very well be within my grasp but am I truly willing to go there? it is a conundrum (really I just wanted to use that word - probably didn't even use it correctly.)

6. Spiritually I am in a struggle. I have some thoughts on many subjects these days that don't seem to line up with what others think. Others as in other people I believe to be Christian. I know this means that I need to study God's word and discover His truth - "other's" truth. This stupid inferiority thing I have gets in the way and tells me whats the use you don't know what you are talking about - your not smart enough to know something unless someone else tells you. It is ridiculous - I have a Psychology degree so I know it is stupid self talk but it is powerful and hard to break.

7. I am tired - wait I already said that. Maybe I will go to bed. I guess that 6:30pm bedtime yesterday didn't do me that much good after all...

Did i mention...

2009-09-15T21:26:00.000-05:00

The boy started Kindergarten.

He did well and mom did very well. No tears. I Just enjoyed how excited he was/is. He is 3 weeks into school and enjoying his new social/academic journey.

Remembering, looking to the future with hope and simply but passionately loving God today...

2009-09-11T11:02:00.004-05:00

I was doing some spring cleaning in my inbox and found this email. A dear friend sent it to me during the intense weeks after Chris' surgery this summer. I guess I didn't read it or it just wasn't supposed to make sense until today. I do not know the source to be able to give credit - well with the exception of God who is The Source :)

God Will Bring You Through - The God of all comfort 2 Corinthians 1:3 NIV

God can bring you through situations you think you won't survive, or feel
you'll be stuck in forever. He can make you comfortable in the most
uncomfortable places, and give you peace in the midst of trauma. Before
your life is over you'll live, love, and experience loss. Losing some
things will actually help you to appreciate the things you still have.
It's the taste of failure that makes success sweet. You'll live each day
not knowing what tomorrow holds, but confident that God has your tomorrows
all planned out. They're not in the hands of your boss or your banker or
your mate or anybody else. Nor are they in your own hands to manipulate
and control. No, all your tomorrows are in God's hands.

Just because you don't recognize the path you're on doesn't mean that God's not leading you. He promises, 'I will lead them in paths they have not known. I will make darkness light before them, and crooked places straight. These things I will do for them, and not forsake them' (Isaiah 42:16 NKJV). So get to know God - you'll need Him. And He'll be there for you. He'll be there when everybody and everything else has failed you. He'll be there for you in the dark places. 'Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning' (Psalm 30:5 NKJV). However long the night, morning always comes, and with it His joy. As you look back you'll realize that His grace protected you, provided for you, secured you, calmed you, comforted you and brought you through. Times and seasons change, but not God. He's always 'the God of all comfort.

Trying to Keep Up...

2009-08-23T21:52:00.003-05:00

It is the eve of the first day of Kindergarten for my boy. He is excited, Baba is excited and yes I am excited as well. It will be a little strange at first. And I do feel a little weird about the fact that he has only been home for 2-1/2 years and is heading off to someone other than me for half the day. That part is not really a good or a bad, it is just a weird feeling I have. I am sure it will go away.

This new part of our journey has been crammed in between so many other things. This summer has been insane to say the least. I went to Africa. We had a birthday party. I was the craft director for VBS planning activities for over 500 kids. The week of VBS we left for Fort Lauderdale. More major surgery. Rough healing and adjustment. Wednesday night preschool activities that I am a little bummed about because I could have done so much better and can't seem to cut myself any slack over it but praise God for an amazing friend who was willing to carry my slack. Many hospital stays and ER visits and then back to Fort Lauderdale for only to be back in the hospital. Sunday three year old life group / the boy / taking care of the house(not very well) / husband / getting ready for teaching Mom's Day Out / trying to find a little adult time squished all in the middle of everything else.

That paragraph practically stopped me in my tracks as far as Africa and Adacar and sponsorship. I always seem to let something get in there. It has happened many times before. I have an addictive personality so it is easy for me to "jump on a bandwagon" only to fizzle out quickly. I guess I am a sprinter in the theoretical sense (not physical.) This part of my personality, among many other parts, DRIVES ME CRAZY. I don't keep myself on task. I don't plan or strategize or discipline myself to follow through with stuff.

Let us put the aforementioned "defect" together with the fact that I have an intense selfish or maybe even narcissistic side of me that thinks I need to know, or be involved, or be in the middle of EVERYTHING! Who in their right mind would want to be around that kind of person. However I do think it is subtle sometimes - like you don't even notice as much unless you REALLY need something from me. I covet personality traits in other people. I am not at peace with who I am.

Throughout all the craziness of Chris' surgery and complications I have emailed detailed, sometimes too detailed, updates to a large group of family/friends/church members. I have received some emails back that have been very sweet and encouraging to me. Some have even said that they have been encouraged by my walk through this trial. Do you know what I have done with that? Did I accept that God used this awful time we have gone through to encourage someone else? Did I praise Him over the character building He has done in me? NO! Do you know what I have done? I have allowed myself to become incredibly jealous of what others are doing that I think I should be getting to do.

There you go. It has been said. It is out in the open. Maybe now I can seek forgiveness and move on. I HATE finding these ugly sides. I know they are there but I just want them to be gone without me having to face them. I use stumbling blocks as excuses for my lack of discipline. I am not underplaying the craziness of the summer but I know how much time I have wasted. Precious time. Time that I don't get back. Time that cannot be used again. It is gone.

However, there is a pretty cool thing about being pliable and allowing God to change your character. He gives us a chance to see the ugly and make a change or adjustment or whatever is needed. Well obviously I needed a swift kick in the butt. I love this whole blogging/internet/social networking thing that I am involved in. I get know a little bit about what God is doing in the lives of others. Sometimes knowing that little bit is just enough of a kick in the butt :)

Now what does all this mean. I know it is an incredible jumbled mess of letters and words and crazy thoughts. It is just the way my brain works I guess. All this leads me to one plain and simple point. Something I was supposed to do a long time ago and failed to complete. I have a proposal to write. I need to have it finished ASAP. I have another meeting with our Missions Team at church and I need to get a serious answer about a church / Adacar partnership. Here is the scary part of all that, given all the rambles I just completed; I plan to be available to my Father to lead this partnership no matter the outcome of the meeting. My prayers in all this are first and foremost: following God's will and being obedient to His call; starting the task and completing it; having a Godly attitude no matter the obstacles that come up; doing more that just sending $, but actually banding together in prayer and visits and strategic help that does not foster helplessness but actually creates a hope for independence in us in our partner community.

I talk a big talk and, to be honest, I am scared to death of walking. Trying to leave it all in His hands and not sit on mine when He calls. Praying for forgiveness of my prideful, sinful, selfish thoughts and attitudes.

So, there it is. Now the proposal...

I am going to start another blog...

2009-08-20T23:34:00.003-05:00

I found this statement on a new preschool blog:

"While many parents (and schools for that matter) worry about assessing kindergarten readiness by ticking off a list of academic skills (”Recites ABCs…check. Writes own name…check check.”) the best predictor of school readiness is the ability to behave appropriately in a social situation, attend to instruction and follow directions, and get along well with others. Mastery of these behaviors is essential not only for school success, but for life success!"

A while back I made a post about getting ready for kindergarten. This statement from Not Just Cute sums up my goals as a teacher and what I think it means to be ready for Kindergarten. I know there are expectations of him - the only thing I can do about that is to learn how to lobby for changes in the overall way public education is looked at and the standards they want to use to measure success. Most likely I will never do that because I am to lazy. This is one of the beauties of having a blog. I can have my opinions and whine about whatever I want or say I don't like something; because the truth is no one is forced to listen to me or share my opinion or even care what I have to say but I still get to say it.

The second blog mentioned in the title will be for my preschool stuff. I don't want to mesh it in anymore here. I hope to use it to keep track of my lessons and help me from year to year. Also I want parents to be able to check it out and see what we are doing. So stay tuned for more neurotic thoughts from yours truly and maybe with a little less talk about poo and other gross things. However, it will be preschool stuff so gross is still an option...

yeah, not so much...

2009-08-18T12:29:00.001-05:00

Still trying to figure this out. I kind of like the header but obviously it is not formatted correctly to fit. Just another reason to waste time on the computer I guess.

CS3

2009-08-17T18:43:00.001-05:00

I am playing around with the template trying to personalize it a little. It may take me a while. I know it looks weird right now. If anyone out there wants to give me some tips, feel free. I have Adobe CS3 but don't fully understand how to use it :)

Education vs. Experience

2009-08-16T21:35:00.004-05:00

"Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't."
Pete Seeger

To be honest, this blog post will relate to the title and the quote extremely loosely. I was trying to come up with something and looked up some quotes and liked this one. Here goes:

For some reason I have always been the one to have to experience instead of learning from others. Do you thing there is a reason some people are better at reading manuals and learning through education as opposed to those that have to learn by fire? Sometimes even when I have learned by experience, I still make the same mistakes. It is a curse to be this hard headed, and yet I get so frustrated with a child for being that way. That is irony at its finest.

Ok I am watching TV doing this so my thoughts have passed and I am moving on. How about Chris? He is doing well. Teachers are back tomorrow so his summer is O.V.E.R. Football started this week. He seems to be doing well. He found some kind of cool hydration / electrolyte stuff from friends who are Amway reps (or whatever they are called.) The stuff was so good that I would become a rep just to tell them Thanks. Seriously Chris noticed a difference, a major difference. This stuff might keep him safe out there at practice until it cools off. I am not kidding you - because I am leery of stuff and think, yeah whatever - they are paid to say that or it is a placebo effect or something. You know what - if it is a placebo effect - we will take it.

Chris also went to orientation for his grad program. Can I just tell you he is really excited? That makes me excited - he hasn't been excited about anything in a long time. It is a 3 year program. It will be a long hall but I think he will do well and it will be good for him.

I suppose I will move on to the boy. School, one week from tomorrow, OH DEAR!!! Don't get me wrong, it is all good. He is quite excited, as am I. He will also do well in school. He is quite smart and I think he will make friends easily. Hopefully some of the selfishness and interpersonal difficulties will subside as he is around a larger group of children for larger portions of the day. Of course none of his behavior is out of the ordinary but I am still ready for some of it to GO AWAY! Since we still have a little more time before the boy will have a sibling (as in Chris has to be done with surgery and on the mends) school will have supplement.

How about me? Well, good grief Charlie Brown... I am as messed up as ever, HA! I am still living in a flood instead of flowing in the river. In other words I have no focus - yeah I know what the title of that last post was. I am like an octopus with all those legs - lots of movement with nothing happening, nothing of substance anyway. Well I shouldn't say "nothing." I did have a parent tell me today that their child (in my Sunday morning 3's Life Group) was repeating our Biblical concept for the month. It is "God wants me to have courage to obey." He got it. My sweet boy that is moving on to the 4 year old class, the one who HATES to sit during group time. The one we gave slack and didn't force into a seated position to the point that all his energy would be focused on sitting instead of learning.

He got it.

And I say - WE DO NOT babysit on Sunday mornings. I teach. I do not say that to boost myself rather to reinforce the FACT that preschoolers are a mission field the same as adults. It is not about crowd control, it is about meeting them where they are. I choose to do that and I keep praying that God will bring more with a heart for kids. Not just for the child but also those to make it their goal to disciple the parents as well. Parenting is hard and we seem to fill our time with extra-curricular and neglect the one thing the we were created for. If we are not talking to our children when they are young and still think we are pretty cool, do you really think they will listen when they are obnoxious, hormone ridden and dramatic teens who think we are complete idiots? I take full responsibility, with Chris, to teach Jman in the way he should go. So what is the purpose of church for him beyond that? To learn to worship with us. To see what the "church" is all about - not the building or the programs but the corporate gathering of the body of Christ. Not a perfect entity in and of itself but perfected through the blood of Christ. To see that we are all imperfect and get a grasp of the grace and mercy of our Heavenly Father.

I am really trying to learn to control myself but as you can see one statement or update leads to a soapbox.

So I might as well get on the other subject that I am just as passionate about. Orphan care. I have to get the adrenalin running again for advocating for the children of Adecar Uganda. I have to nail down our leadership to get a definitive answer on church backing. I just read an article about the continuing devastation of food shortage in East Africa. You can read about it here in the Mission Network News. I just don't know what to do with all this. I am so scared that I make it my soapbox and never do any good. I want to have our church to partner with this area so bad. I can see the kick off with all the kids profiles and encouraging people at church to pray, support and love on their sponsor child. I can see the trips at least once a year for a week or two to teach and train those that are leading worship and discipling the children and adults; assisting with agricultural needs; giving general support in any way that comes up. I can see it all so well in my head. I just can't figure out how to make it happen. It seems so easy.

I really want to be part of building a relationship between our church community and the community in Adecar. Then I hear stories of smaller churches taking on sponsorship of communities and I think, am I missing something? Care points are being sponsored through Internet communities and that is awesome. I am just confused because I want it to be "my community" but maybe that is not what God's plan is. Or maybe I am just letting small obstacles defeat me. Maybe I quit to easily, give up. I don't want to be that person. I have not been like that with teaching Preschool - I have pushed and pushed, kept learning and trying new things. So why is this one so difficult.

I know what I have to do. It is the simplest but most important thing. I have to leave it to the Man with the plan. Not that I do nothing but I am not praying about it like I should. I am not searching His Word for encouragement like I could. I am not looking to be any one's savior. I just want to be obedient. Love God and love others.

Uhh I have been sitting here at this post for almost 2 hours (watching movies is distracting me.) I will leave with this: maybe Africa is not your passion, that is ok - there are so many ways to love others that you can be passionate about. But you have to pick something. We do not live this life to live for ourselves. We do have to take care of our families. However, when you get down to it, our family is not just our spouse and kids and grandparents. Our family consists of all God's children and He as our Father is never more proud of us than when He sees us loving each other and bearing each other's burdens. That is the way I want Him to see me - willing to bear my brother's and sister's burdens - not just talking about it here on my blog but truly bearing the burden with someone, having compassion for them and suffering with them.

God may you find me obedient to whatever You call me to. Forgive me when I run to Tarshish instead and give me that second chance that I do not deserve. Teach me Your ways Lord. Guide me. Remind me that I do not carry any of this alone, that You provide the way and the means. Thank You Father for allowing my heart to break for Your children. Thank you for growing a heart of compassion to replace the sinful and selfish one I tend to cling to. God may I learn to love you more each day and in turn learn to love others more. Amen.

Focus, Focus, Focus, you too...

2009-08-08T22:43:00.002-05:00

Anyone who has been reading blog for the last few months or who has crossed my path, knows I have been blessed with an incredible passion for orphan care and specifically Africa. I have been talking with my church missions leaders about the possibility of our church taking on a carepoint in Uganda and supporting me in finding sponsors for the many children who need our compassion. I have not abandoned this or moved on or lost interest or anything like that. It is constantly on my mind and I have felt satan telling me over and over "you can't do this." Of course he is correct, I alone cannot do this. However if my Father so chooses to use me to advocate for these children, then you know what - it is already done! I believe that no matter what my plan has been all along, that I will be advocating for sponsors to love on and support the children of Adacar. Many of you have already helped through Feed the Forgotten. Bless you.

On Wednesday, my friend Brandi began advocating and seeking advocates for 230 children in Swaziland. As more groundwork is laid by Children's Hopechest, more carepoints are being identified. This site is ready right now for sponsorship. The files are being created right now. Are you ready now to begin a relationship with a sweet little kid? Are you willing to set aside $34 a month to provide school fees, meals, basic medical care and even a gift to celebrate the day God brought them into this world? Are you already thinking of the letters you will write or the drawings your kids could send? Well, sponsorships are available for 28 kids in Swaziland. Will you pray for the spiritual, physical and emotional health of a child halfway across the world. It is easier that you think.

$408 from one years budget. Will you be willing to find it and give it? Brandi will be in Swazi in February. She will see the boys and girls face to face, in real life! Leave her a comment or you can leave me one and I will guide you through what you can do to begin loving just because Jesus does. Oh if we could just love because He does! I can't even picture it...

On the Blog again, Just can't wait to get on the blog again...

2009-08-06T08:34:00.002-05:00

I hate these spells of not blogging. I look at it, I think about it and then I close the browser. I post status updates on Facebook and just can't come up with more for here. But I will give it a try to catch up. Especially since I plan to one day print all this out as a journal. Can't have huge gaps in progress right?

Since this is a catch up blog it will ramble on multiple subjects I am sure.

First and foremost - Update on Chris: He was in the hospital at home 3 times, several days each time. They were working hard to get his fluids under control and prevent obstructions. He was in a lot of pain and popping pain pills. He was also having insane nausea that was almost worse than the pain. He told me recently that one spell of vomiting was so intense that he almost passed out because he inhaled and then blocked airways. That of course led me to revisit CPR and we talked about what I would do if I walked down and found him not breathing . It wasn't even happening but I was freaked out at the thought of it. I have had CPR training but don't know if it would all come back to me or not. I think I will go over the process periodically now just to make sure.

We contacted Dr. Sands (Dr. at Cleveland Clinic) about Chris' issues and she was NOT happy for him to be under someone elses care. I love a doctor like that. She is AWESOME and does not trust anyone else with her patients. After the 3 hospital stays in Milton it was finally time to make a trip back to Lauderdale for the 6 week followup after surgery. Well GUESS WHAT?!?!??! Dr. Sands took one look at him, told him he looked AWFUL and admitted him to the hospital. CRAP!!! We were not expecting that. So much so that we were not even staying in Lauderdale, we were staying in Orlando. So that meant Jman and I had to go back to Orlando. We ended up staying 2 nights in Orlando because we already had the rooms. Then we drove back to Lauderdale to be with Chris. He was in for 5 nights. He is looking so much better. I think they finally got fluid loss under control and output under control. It is a weird balance to say the least. He has to take Imodium to slow the fluid and Metamucil to bind all the solids and make it "slick" to aid in preventing obstructions. Dr. Sands told Chris the morning she let him go "Use the visual check. If you look in the mirror and look like you did when you came here, then you GET YOUR @$$ back down here." I love her!!!

He is doing well and I have seen glimpses of my "real" husband. Some of his humor was back last night. He has not had pain and minimal to no nausea. Praise God with me for this. All good things come from Him. He is mighty to save and the only healer. Praise God for leading us to the right places and to the right people.

Well I totally would have been all over the place but Chris is ready to leave this roach motel we stayed at last night :) Going to Cracker Barrel to get some grub and drive the last 4 hours to get home. He has spent 32 nights in the hospital this summer. We are ready for a few days together as a family before starting back to school.

More to come soon, I promise!!!!

Second wind, or third or fortieth or something...

2009-07-15T14:51:00.004-05:00

I am little less down in the dumps than yesterday so this will be a bit longer. Originally they had decided to put the NG tube in (used to suck out the contents of his stomach - oh yeah I am back to the gross stuff) however they did not do that. Chris was having bowel sounds and some movement and so Dr. Schurman decided to spare Chris the misery of the tube. We were thankful for this for obvious reasons but also because "Nurse Ratched" was on duty last night.

I will not lie I was struggling pretty bad yesterday. As I left the hospital last night I was thinking about emailing all my female friends and begging one of them to come over and hang out with me. About that time a friend called and we talked for a while and I felt better. Today I am feeling much better. Interesting thing to turn the focus back on God. I know of several friends and friends of friends who are fasting on Wednesdays and also memorizing Isaiah 58 together. In this process some amazing things have been going on in this new little community that is seriously spanning the entire US and I want to think outside the US as well. At the same time they have all been feeling the attack of the enemy in so many ways. So I have been able to take the focus off what is going on with Chris a little and just spend time talking and listening with God. Pretty cool thing - don't know why I don't do it more often. So join the iFast58 community if you like. Spend Wednesdays with us fasting and praying and seeking God for how He would have us love and serve our neighbors here and across the globe.

Here is a HUGE prayer request that has been shared through this:

Rain for Uganda - it has not rained since we were there on our trip. If they do not receive rain, they will not be able to make their 2nd harvest. They are already starving now. They are not lazy or useless or invisible. They are men, women and children just like us. They are parents just like us who want to provide for their families but they do not have the means. I have never been in this situation. It is so hard for me to imagine. My heart breaks over this - knowing there really is enough $$ to provide clean water and food for everyone - here, next door, and around the world. The answer is there - we just have to break away from the lie that my $5 can't do anything, or only saving one doesn't really solve the problem, or my vote doesn't really count. I always come back to that boy who gave his lunch. The Bible doesn't say he gave excuses for the meager gift - he just gave all he had at that moment having faith in God to meet the need.

My prayer is that we would find ways to slow down and really BE STILL and know that He is God. I mean seriously - slow down. We take on so many things, often in the name of Jesus, and then lose touch with Him in the process. I know I have done this for a really long time and still seem to continue in that direction. Bottom line is all He wants from each of us is a relationship - if we can get there, then all these other needs will begin to be met because we will be so in love with Him that we won't be able to do anything but love our neighbor and fight for them and support them and suffer with them in their struggles.

Today is a good day.

Be still with me...

What was that last post?

2009-07-14T19:06:00.002-05:00

Trying to keep thinking about that song. Chris is back in the ER. He has a blockage again. They are admitting him and they will be putting in the dreaded NG tube.

All I got is this, some verses a very dear friend shared with me:

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wing's as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)

But he told me: "My kindness is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak." So I will brag even more about my weaknesses in order that Christ's power will live in me. Therefore, I accept weakness, mistreatment, hardship, persecution, and difficulties suffered for Christ. It's clear that when I'm weak, I'm strong. (2 Corinthians 12.-9-10)

Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks. 7 Then God's peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, keep your thoughts on whatever is right or deserves praise: things that are true, honorable, fair, pure, acceptable, or commendable. 9 Practice what you've learned and received from me, what you heard and saw me do. Then the God who gives this peace will be with you. (Phil 4:6-9)

I'm leaving you with a gift: peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So, don't be troubled or afraid. (John 14:27)

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters ... they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God" (Isaiah 43:1-3).

He (God) comforts us whenever we suffer. That is why whenever other people suffer, we are able to comfort them by using the same comfort we have received from God. (2 Corinthians 1:24)

My God will richly fill your every need in a glorious way through Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:19)

Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen. (Matthew 28:20)

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Dear friends, don't be surprised by the fiery troubles that are coming in order to test you. Don't feel as though something strange is happening to you, but be happy as you share Christ's sufferings. Then you will also be full of joy when he appears again in his glory. (I Peter 4:12-13)

Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4)

Let not your heart be troubled. You are entrusting God, now trust in Me. (John 14: 1)

I will never fail you nor forsake you. (Heb. 13:5)

God, who shows you his kindness and who has called you through Christ Jesus to his eternal glory, will restore you, strengthen you, make you strong, and support you as you suffer for a little while. (I Peter 5.-10)

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There won't be any more death. There won't be any grief, crying, or pain, because the first things have disappeared. (Revelation 21:4)

Create in me a clean heart, a God; and renew a right spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10)

Come to me, all who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

If any of you are having trouble, pray. If you are happy, sing psalms. (James 5:13)

That is why we are not discouraged. Though outwardly we are wearing out inwardly we are renewed day by day. (2 Corinthians 4:16)

And his joy's gonna be my strength...

2009-07-03T14:07:00.004-05:00

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord

And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning...
Label: SONY/EPIC © 2001 Darryl Evans;Darrell Evans

Chris developed a blockage of some sort in his small intestine. He went to our local ER less than 2 miles from our house early Tuesday morning. He was very dehydrated and labs out of whack. His output picked up 2 days ago, but too much. So they are keeping him until they are sure he doesn't dehydrate too easily due to not absorbing enough fluid before it is expelled. For 2 days we have been on the "He might go home tomorrow." Chris is not coming home today. Initially this return to the hospital got me very emotional but I began to rest in the precious name of Jesus again. However, I will not lie, I am struggling with the unknown, the future, the chaos that seems to be our life right now. I know not to hang on to all this and I know Who to turn to. Just sharing the struggle right now.

What is worship?

2009-07-02T07:34:00.004-05:00

I read this on Christianity Today . com :

What is worship? Any expression of our love to God—for who He is, for what He's said, and for what He's doing. The Bible says, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" (1 Cor. 10:31). Worship is a physical expression of our spiritual relationship with Him. What's the most common misperception about worship? That it's synonymous with music. The Bible does mention music as being one way to worship. But Jesus exemplified many ways of worshiping—through obedience, teaching, reading and quoting Scripture, prayer, fasting, and giving. Is there a wrong way to worship? Focusing on yourself.

Today's Christian January/February 2007 45 1 27 What it is, and what it isn't. An interview with Saddleback Church's Rick Muchow. Interview by Dawn Zemke

What is my point, right? I have been spending a lot of time on the computer - not the greatest thing to be doing but I have come across some really great posts. The one that follows was particularly memorable to me because I have such a passion for people seeing children in a new way. Not as annoyances or distractions, a hindrance to adult's or even as the church of the future. I want people to recognize the beauty of children just as they are right now. I want people to recognize that children participate in the most pure and basic worship because they are not caught up in the silly things that we adults get caught up in. The problem, I think, is that we think worship has to look a certain way. I think the most beautiful worship is that of a family together - not separated into their own corners of church, but together. It may be noisy, it may be mobile, it may even involve a baby crying - but the family is together. Granted there needs to be time that parents can rely safely on the preschool and children's ministries to reinforce and encourage our children in an age appropriate, Christ centered, fun and enriching environment. I just pray that during those family services that so many others would view a family's worship time together the way Jody Landers does in the following post...

it’s now.

We had a special service of worship this morning at church. The different services all met together for one gathering.

And there was no childcare.

So I settled near the back with Zeke and Kora so we could make a quick and relatively quiet exit if need be. In front of me was a dear friend who is a hero of the foster care system. Her own children grown, she has a steady flow of children who find a home with her in their greatest times of need. This morning she and her teenage daughter shuffled three small little boys around into the row. A baby and his two year old brother, and another 5 year old who she has had for several months. In front of her was one of her other grown and married daughters who had with her 4 children, 2 of which they are patiently and fervently pursuing the adoption of. I know bits and pieces of the story of the two precious kiddos and it’s one full of loss and tragedy. I watched as these two families handed children from arm to arm, made bottles, gave kisses, and hugs, and handed out crayons and small toys.

By the time the service was over, the 4 adults were exhausted (and probably a bit relieved—as I was).

And sitting there in the back surrounded by all these children, hardly two with the same skin color. All with different stories. Different wounds.

I worshipped.

I was close to tears a couple times as I watched. It is exhausting work. These people. Giving their lives away. Finding Jesus in the faces of broken and hurting children. And working hard. And loving deep. And getting dirty.

On a day when people were celebrating their fathers, these families had homes full of children who were temporarily or permanently without. They were filling the gaps for the fatherless.

It’s messy. Oh my gosh, it’s messy.

I’m not sure that they were able to enjoy corporate worship. They probably could of used a couple minutes to be quiet and alone with their God. They didn’t get it today.

But they worshipped.

Perhaps they didn’t realize it. But oh how they worship!

Their lives a continual act of worship.

Every day they loosen the chains of injustice just a bit for these children.

It’s not glamorous. It is just plain heartbreaking and difficult and exhausting sometimes.

But of all worship services…the one I saw today touched closest to the heart of the Father.

And if they ever worshipped. These families. If ever…it’s now.

Home...

2009-06-27T21:03:00.002-05:00

We are home from Lauderdale. It was an interesting 2 weeks. Surgery went well and recovery went well from an overall perspective. That is not to say it was easy of course. Chris is struggling to get his body back in order, the new order. The new order that will once again change in December when he has his final surgery. He has an infection in the incision site again - no fun, will leave it at that because it makes me squeamish just thinking about it. He is having some intense "discomfort" from gas as it makes it way out through the ostomy. He is in a general overall state of discomfort and at times misery. Sounds horrible doesn't it. It is not so bad (HA my perspective.) We are resting in God. I want so badly to be able to tell you how we are doing that. I spent so much time needing people to tell me how to do it. I can't tell you. Faith. Trust. Hope. I don't know. Maybe that is it, finally saying to myself - YOU DON'T KNOW!! YOU WON'T KNOW!! kind of what faith is right?

Some things that have been going on, I have been thinking about or feeling convicted about: Prayer. Chris has XM radio. Honestly, I do not like the idea of monthy fees. I don't like adding more monthly fees to our budget (you know the budget that is quite frankly non-existent but that we better get under control so that God can use us to our fullest capacity.) Anyway - we have XM. He likes to listen to sermons and talk radio and these cool radio dramas. I drove all the way home and needed something to take my mind off the LONG drive. Heard a sermon from David Jeremiah about Prayer. He talked about how "we" love to pray - God take away the sickness, heal this person, provide for this situation, etc. But how often do we really do what Jesus told us to do by praying for others - for what they need? Praying for their spiritual lives, there walk with Christ, their ability to wait on God and discern His leading. Me? uhhhhh, hmmm, well...

So I was immediately encouraged to pray. I did just as he said in another part and got easily distracted and allowed my mind to drift. I am one of those people who tries to pray at bedtime, after I am already in bed and incredibly tired and so inevitably I fall asleep. Wow that is intimate prayer time isn't? However, even with the few times I drifted away, it was a wonderful time of praying for some very specific people in my life right now. Maybe you will be encouraged to be more intentional about your prayer time as well. I will have to keep coming back to this post I am sure to remind myself to be intentional. Pray without ceasing - as in maybe give God a little more that my mealtime prayer and my, yawn - about to fall asleep half hearted prayer.

Also been thinking about how I have let prayer time with Jman slack off big time. Maybe this is some of the struggle I am experiencing with him right now.

I don't know - so much going on still. Trying to stay moving with partnership and sponsorship with Adacar while at the same time waiting on God to show me the way. Wanting to create an amazing experience for my preschoolers in the Wednesday night B.I.G. portion I am leading on Missions but feeling so incapable. This is mostly due to an expectation I built up that I could never live up to. Knowing that I need to pray about this too and make sure that it is about the kids and bringing an awarenes to them and their families about the many ways they can love their neighbor. Then there are my Sunday mornings. I teach 3 year olds with a great co-teacher. I have that same expectation issue there that I need to work on and spend a little more time in prayer for my kids and less time fretting over the silly idea that I am not doing as well I think I should be doing. Prayer, Prayer, Prayer. Maybe I need to type my prayers out -seems that is the only way to keep my mind focused (well semi-focused anyway.)

Uganda on my mind...

2009-06-26T20:29:00.001-05:00

I had not heard this song before Brandi shared it with us during our worship time in Uganda. I love it! Check it out...

Africa - God of This City from Katlin Miller on Vimeo.

Hmmm...

2009-06-21T14:31:00.001-05:00

"The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children." Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Reflections...

2009-06-17T07:44:00.003-05:00

I really wish I could give this magical formula for how to be calm in crazy situations, under tumultuous circumstances etc. Of course there really is no such thing, at least I don't think so, but maybe...

Last August (2008) Chris was in a serious downward spiral. His pain was so bad and seemed to be constantly escalating. He was in the ER about 8 times that month, maybe more. I very clearly remember that I was so angry with God, that I questioned everything. I was absolutely ready to walk away because I just couldn't handle feeling so alone, feeling like He had left us to deal with this. Deep down I knew that my feelings lie to me all the time but I was crying out and just had no sense that it was going to end any time soon. I couldn't talk to Chris about this because faith was all he had left to hang on to and he just couldn't deal with my doubting and hopeless feelings.

Then we found out surgery was the only option left and I was most definitely DEVASTATED!!! I will not lie. Chris was quite at peace. So I had two choices: I could add more stress to him by being sad and fighting it all the way or I could respect his decision begin to see things from his perspective. To have compassion for him and what he is going through, to suffer with him.

We are approaching a year since that time of feeling helpless and hopeless. I still feel helpless at times and what that shows is that I don't fully appreciate the power of prayer. I am never truly helpless because I can always pray. I can say with total confidence that I am never hopeless either. I wish I could pinpoint when the change happened but I just don't know. It was gradual and almost unnoticeable.

I have heard this passage 2 times now with this new perspective and I want to share it. It is about Jesus and His disciples and trust. I have been reading a blog of a couple who live in China caring for orphans. Check it out at here. She posted recently about the storms that are threatening to overwhelm her and her family. Please read what she wrote here because it is such a good look at trust. Now on to the passage in Mark chapter 4:

Mark 4:35-41 (New Living Translation)

Jesus Calms the Storm
³⁵ As evening came, Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s cross to the other side of the lake.” ³⁶ So they took Jesus in the boat and started out, leaving the crowds behind (although other boats followed). ³⁷ But soon a fierce storm came up. High waves were breaking into the boat, and it began to fill with water.
³⁸ Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. The disciples woke him up, shouting, “Teacher, don’t you care that we’re going to drown?”
³⁹ When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Silence! Be still!” Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. ⁴⁰ Then he asked them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?”
⁴¹ The disciples were absolutely terrified. “Who is this man?” they asked each other. “Even the wind and waves obey him!”

This life is so short. We constantly forget that this is not the end. It is so hard to see past what is going on at this very moment. I don't know how we get so tied up in our present circumstances that we are not able to look to Heaven and understand that what waits for us is worth every tear, every hardship, every sorrow. That we can have joy even in the times of trials. Read this:

James 1:2 (The Message)

^2-4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

I could not read this and feel it before but having walked a little way through all this, I believe it now. I wish I could explain it for others who are just not there yet but I can't. All I know is that I never fully gave up, or He never let me give up.

During the wait...

2009-06-15T10:33:00.004-05:00

I have been reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. I could very easily be finished with this book in just a few hours but I am so easily distracted these days. This is an AWESOME book. Even though I have felt incredibly convicted lately about how much time I spend reading about the Bible instead of reading The Bible, this is a book I definitely would suggest to anyone.

Here is a specific statement, that Chan quoted from Tim Kizziar, that stood out to me:

"Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter."

So I seem to be saying this so much lately but what do I do with this? I have felt convicted of a number of things lately. In reading this book I am encouraged by the fact that I know without a doubt that I want to love Jesus more every day and I want to have an intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father. At the same time I have to ask myself, what is keeping me from that. He is not keeping me from that relationship, He is not with-holding a relationship from me. So what is it?

I am going to ponder this some more and write about it later.

I will leave you tonight with a surgery update:
Chris is out of surgery. Dr. Sands feels great about the surgery. She did everything she had planned including the pouch. Chris' small intestine was not long enough due to his long torso but as it turns out his pelvis was smaller than it should have been. Therefore it all worked out. I think it is so funny how God likes to show me that my plans are not the only way to do things. Hmmmmm, wonder how that revelation fits in with Uganda...

Chris is resting, in and out of his drug induced sleep and so we are going to leave him be for the evening. Pray for healing from the surgery, no more pain, and that he will recover without the violent nausea he had last time.

Have a great evening and I will be back on tomorrow to update some more.

Surgery #2

2009-06-14T22:21:00.002-05:00

Back in Weston (Lauderdale) for surgery. Had a great Bday for Chris at Magic Kingdom. Also experienced an wonderful time of worship this morning at Greg and Brandi's church. Chris' mom, dad, sister and niece made it here safely. We are all headed to bed because we will be up at the butt-crack of dawn to head to Cleveland Clinic. Surgery is scheduled for 7:30am EST (that is 6:30 a.m. for our panhandle peeps.) We are at peace and praising God that His grace is sufficient. I will post more as I know more "details" but you all know how I am about those things. I will do my best.

Love from Lauderdale...

Got a lot to talk about....

2009-06-12T08:33:00.003-05:00

#1 FEED THE FORGOTTEN the goal has almost been met. When it is met do you know what is going to happen? 6 villages will be fed along with children living in an AIDS hospice. Isn't that inspiring to you? You were a part of it!! I was a part of it! Praise you God in heaven that you would allow me to be part of this! So there is still time if you have spare change, spare dollars, spare fifties or one hundreds - whatever you have it will help. Remember one child can be fed for $.14, so your spare change can and will make a difference.

stealing from Brandi some more to encourage you with her words:

"We have churches lining up to sponsor these sweet, hungry villages. . .we have over 300 HIV+ kids waiting for food when they come for ARV's. . . .ARV's that they CAN"T GET without proper nutrition!!!

Will you be a part of the plan? GOD"S PLAN to rescue HIS people! We GET to be His hands and Feet. . .we get to FEED THE HUNGRY! How great is HE?"

#2 VBS ROCKED! I had to leave a day early due to #3 below. I was the crafts director and I let myself get stressed about it but in the end my leaders were the greatest group of people ever! They were getting it, that it was more than the craft. They were sharing the Bible story and relating everything back to Jesus. Yesterday I got the sweet pleasure of answering questions from a second grader who came forward during the invitation. Oh what a sweet little heart he has already. Praying for him and his family as they share in this joy and continue learning more and more about how much God loves them and how they can love others as well.

#3 We are in Lauderdale. Chris is at the Cleveland Clinic for some pre-op stuff. He is feeling very anxious so please pray for him. He is having second thoughts about what direction to take and will be talking with the surgeon in moments. Pray God shows us exactly what the best route to take is. Pray that the decision we make leads to no more pain and better quality of life for Chris. Pray that no matter what - we Rejoice in the Lord always - not just when He gives us what we want.

I will keep you posted as we know more...

and I quote "Double It, Baby"...

2009-06-08T21:57:00.004-05:00

Feed The Forgotten is going strong and I am praising God for His faithfulness in providing for the least of these. Get this though - He is using us to do it! He doesn't have to, He chooses to - does that give you the jitters or what!?!?! My God who needs nothing, no help from me - He allows me to experience the true joy of loving my neighbor. Oh I hope you are feeling this too - it is amazing.

Here are some #'s so far - but don't even think we are finished yet... quoting some more from our dear friend and incredible motivator, Brandi :

Our total for Feed the Forgott en as of this morning is $15,113.83!!!!!!

Yep, that's 107,956 meals!
YOU have provided over ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND meals!
Can you believe it?
It will provide for 5,398 people food for 20 meals!
This will literally be saving lives!! PRECIOUS lives!

So what is up with the Double It, Baby? Well I am so glad you asked. $2500 in matching money has been put up for the week. What does that mean? Well for every $ donated, it will be matched, 1=2, 5=10, 10=20, you get the picture. Which means $2500 = $5000 + the $15,113.83 and that is an amazing $20,000. Guess what it means to have that much.... It means that we can feed 3 other sites. We will be feeding the initial 3 sites as planned (and I believe that 2 of those will have sponsorships running by fall.) Brandi has been in contact with Joseph, the country director in Uganda for Children's Hope Chest. He is helping us identify the areas in most need. He is praising God with us that we will be able to feed these areas and believing God will bring sponsoring communities along side to provide on going prayer and support.

So what do you say - Want to swap it this weekend again, give up something so you have an extra $20-$50 or more to give? Do you want to get out there this week with your kids and do a lemonade stand? How about a garage sale and donate the money you make? Go on a parking lot raid looking for all the loose change people leave on the ground. Order water instead of tea or soda and donate the $2.00.

I am challenging you to Love Your Neighbor - the ones here and across the globe.

GIVE TO FEED THE FORGOTTEN CHILDREN!!!!!(note: please write FEED THE FORGOTTEN in the notes section when you give)

More than Money...

2009-06-06T02:04:00.002-05:00

Many times in giving campaigns, people may feel that all we care about is what is in your wallet. I want to tell you what really happens in campaigns like this. We are stretched, we grow, we find opportunities to minster that we had absolutely no idea existed. I want to share a few stories from my blogger friends out there in cyber world...

Steffany prepared a meal of rice for her children hoping to teach them a lesson about poverty and the great need in the world. Well I love my God and I love how he takes our plans and does something even greater. Steffany's kids were not outraged, they were humble and accepted the meal and them emptied their piggy banks to give so others can eat. I can't even stand how sweet the heart of children can be!!! Talk about raising Godly children.

How about Brandi's sweet trio who gave up french fries and a drink at Chick-fil-A so that kids in Uganda could have another meal.

Want a way to allow your kids to experience the giving? How about a lemonade stand like Amber and her family. Your kids can be part of the process because they can make the lemonade, pour the lemonade, serve the lemonade and so on. Then they see the money and you can talk to them about how many people each of those quarters or dollars will feed.

As a couple or an individual, would you consider fasting breakfast or lunch or both for a few days? For a week? Fasting is an incredible way to grow closer to God. Everytime you yearn for the food, or item you are fasting, you are immediately aware of your need to pray. Experiencing only a fraction of the hunger pains that a starving child in Uganda is experiencing at this very moment could be better than any photograph.

I am thrilled about the money that is being raised through Feed The Forgotten to feed the widows and orphans in Kapelebyong, Usuk (also known as Adacar) and Ngariam. More than 57,000 meals (the most recent count given) will fill the starving bellies of those widows and orphans. I am also thrilled that in the process of giving, so many have had the opportunity to share with their children the beauty of caring for and loving others.

Do you have something you could Swap this weekend in order to give meals?(please write Feed the Forgotten in the notes section) Do you want to fast with Brandi, Jena, Amy, Leanne and I? Do you have stories to share or other ideas for giving? Leave a comment!!

****Be sure to write FEED THE FORGOTTEN in the notes section****

Sharing about the "Swap It" weekend to Feed the Forgotten...

2009-06-05T00:58:00.005-05:00

Just came across a new blog , Amy at Loving the Least. Amy has a great way to find money to help feed families in Uganda with the Feed the Forgotten mission. Let's all have a SWAP IT weekend. Choose something that you had planned for the weekend, movies, dinner, shopping, gourmet coffee, gas for a drive somewhere, or any other outing or expense you would have had. Take the amount you would have spent on that plan and donate it.

I have realized that my giving so far has been out of our abundance. I have not given up anything to feed these families. So we will be trying to figure out what it is that we need to give up as a sacrifice, as an offering to God, in order to Feed the Forgotten.

Please pray as you read this and other posts and blogs and Facebook updates about Feed the Forgotten. I worry a little that people may look at the amount given so far and think that they don't need to give any more. There is money to buy many, many meals and the more there is the more meals each family will be able to share. Brandi has been fasting breakfast and lunch during this mission. My friend Leanne and I have decided to join her. The motivation behind fasting for me is to do more than just imagine the hunger that the people of Uganda are experiencing by experiencing just a fraction of it myself. More importantly thought I believe that fasting allows us to turn our attention and focus to our Father in Heaven. Every time I think about food, I will be reminded to pray. Every time my stomach growls, I will be reminded to pray. Every time I want a snack, I will be reminded to pray. I can not only ask God to help me as I fast through breakfast and lunch but I can also spend much time praying for the people of Uganda and waiting on guidance from God.

So will you "Swap It" with me this weekend? Since I am fasting anyway, we will give up eating out this weekend, which will also entail forgoing extra trips and adding gas money to the donation. I am figure that would be about $100 for the whole weekend (which is so incredibly ridiculous but a true picture of our weekends.) Leave me a post with your ideas on how you can Swap it this weekend and give so others can eat.

Forgotten Tears...

2009-06-03T09:10:00.006-05:00

Adacar in the Katakwi subdistrict of Uganda - isn't it beautiful?

And then...

there was this girl...

I don't know her name. I don't know her whole story. I don't know if she is safe at night, if she is outgoing or shy. Does she like to dance and sing? What does she want to be when she grows up? I just don't know many things about this girl.

I will tell you what I know.
~she was in tears as we gave her food
~the tears streamed down her face the entire meal as she sat with her young sibling
~she was taking only small bites leaving a majority of the meal for her sibling
~her parents are dead
~she has other siblings, 4 younger siblings total, I believe
~she is only 9 years old.

Here are some more things I know:
~I was lost
~I had no idea what to say to her
~I had no idea what I could do for her
~I could not tell her everything was going to be ok
~I CAN and will DO something for her, I can feed her and pray for her

You can too!
$.14 will give her a meal.
$.70 will feed her and her siblings a meal
$21.70 will feed all 5 of them for a month

GIVE and be sure to write FEED THE FORGOTTEN on the notes line/child reference line.

We want to provide food for to Kapelebyong, Usuk (also known as Adacar) and Ngariam for a few months until partnering churches are found. I don't want this to be giving that is done because of guilt - a fellow blogger posted wonderful words about this, please read here.

Give because you genuinely care about what is happening in Uganda - and all over the world. We as Americans can generally eat at will. I have food readily available at all times. If tragedy struck us and we had absolutely no food, we have family to call on, friends to call on, a church family to call on, and organizations in the area to call on. Even during the hurricanes, there were MRE's being handed out left an right to make sure people were eating. I will NEVER starve, NEVER! It breaks my heart and I honestly feel I have to give - not out of guilt. It is out of a true love and concern for the people. And I know it is easier for me because I was just there and saw this first hand. I share the stories for this reason and I am so grateful to Ria for sharing stories through photos so you can hear and see.

I am waiting for Pauline - one of the Teso widows - to email me back with more information about this sweet little girl and her family. I will share when I have it. If you want to give
but you think the amount is too small give anyway, remember what Jesus did with the little boys' lunch. The little boy gave all he had and Jesus fed thousands with it. If you want to give on a regular basis, please contact me. I know without a doubt that I want to put together a sponsorship for at least 100 kids of this area. So if you would like to be part of that, leave me a comment.

Pray for all the people who are hungry at this very moment - not just hungry, who are literally starving and may be near death at this very moment. Pray that our Father is with them, so they know that they are not alone.

Feed the Forgotten...

2009-05-31T21:57:00.007-05:00

Ok this is perfect timing. I am praying for and working to find community of believers to partner with and sponsor the children in Adacar. The fact that I haven't been able get something established at my church just yet has been driving me crazy! To top it off I read this article about the exact same region we just visited. The thought of people starving, literally dying because they have nothing and no access to food. I met these people. I hugged these children. I cannot just walk by on the other side of the road feeling pity but doing nothing.

Do something with me! We can do together. We can give food to the people now and pray that the partnership is in place soon.

This straight from Brandi's blog:

Join us and Children's HopeChest to FEED THE FORGOTTEN!!! (CLICK HERE TO GIVE NOW) ******In the notes section on the giving page, please be sure to write FEED THE FORGOTTEN so the money is put to this mission.

For $0.14, we can (and WILL) feed someone a meal of posho and beans. (posho is cornmeal, which is filling and beans are protein). Take that in for a moment. . .

$0.14 a meal

$2.86 for 20 days

$1 per FAMILY

$20 feed a family for 20 days.

How much was my Chick Fil A yesterday? How much is your Starbucks? The bigger question is how much am I willing to give up SO THAT OTHERS MIGHT EAT?

Remember Jesus story of the Good Samaritan? Remember how his very neighbors walked right by him? They probably looked at him with pity. . .probably thought "oh poor guy, that breaks my heart" but the fact is THEY DID NOTHING.

What will you do? These children are starving. . .

these actual children. . .

will you help? The money raised will feed those precious children. There are 3 - 4 villages that we are targeting (I'm hoping for more after we see how much we can raise!) to bring food relief to asap. These people are literally starving. . and waiting for you to act. Will you help? Even with paypal fees (2-3%) even $1 will feed 6 people! You CAN make a difference.

Spread the word, blog about it, facebook it, twitter it, ask your church or school or business to give, post the blog badge anything. Truly, we are begging you. . .on behalf of these children not to forget this post and move on to the next in your google reader list. Stop, pray, act.
GIVE TO FEED THE FORGOTTEN CHILDREN!!!!! **** and remember to put FEED THE FORGOTTEN in the notes section on the giving page to direct the money to this mission.

To GET the blog badge, click on it and get the code from Brandi's blog. Spread the word - spread the wealth!

Stretching...

2009-05-30T21:48:00.004-05:00

Just want to start by saying thanks for all the hair comments. I am LOVING it!!! I do not miss the long hair one bit. I will most likely grow it out again to donate. Our donated hair went to Locks of Love.

Now on to Africa. Here is my new hoop: I am writing a proposal. I don't really know how to write a proposal. So God is having me write one because I always learn best when I am just thrown into something.

I had another meeting about Uganda and still don't have a clear answer. I want to wait on God because I know this is His mission to do as He wishes. I do get frustrated though. Plus my dear sweet friend is going to be done with me if I don't learn how to talk to people - learn to ask the right questions and be pushy (in a respectful way) when I need to be pushy. Deep down I know she is not going to give up on me but I know I have to be driving her CRAZY.

This is where the proposal comes in. I am putting on paper the need, goal, and plan of action to meet that goal in the Katakwi sub-district of Uganda. I have three very special people (one of which is the one I am driving crazy) who are praying about this, encouraging me, walking with me, giving me feedback on how to do this and keeping me focused on the right things.

This is what I want to be working on. However, I have all these other things that are interfering right now. A couple are good things such as babysitting more often - more income is GOOD. Vacation Bible School is in 2 weeks. I am the crafts director for 4 year olds through 5th grade (some 500 - 600 kids.) I am driving myself crazy with all the supplies because I was trying to be frugal and stick to the curriculum. Then on Wednesday night we kick off our new summer program, B.I.G. (building, investing, growing.) I am leading missions for preschool. I still don't have my total plan ready for that. Not to mention, we leave soon for the Cleveland Clinic in south FL for surgery. I still have my Sunday morning 3 year old Life Group. I have said yes to way too many things lately. That whole 10% of the people doing 90% of the work sucks!!!

So God is stretching me. He has been doing it for a while. Well I suppose He has always been doing but and I am just now realizing what it is all about. I want so bad to be obedient and to be used in whatever way He chooses. My pride and impatience get in the way so much. So I have to keep praying about that. I also have to be careful that this doesn't simply become an obsession. Jman and Chris need my attention as well. Balance... Living in the tension as Brandi puts it. It is hard work.

Pray for Uganda. Pray for Chris to be healed and pain free. Pray for me as I desire to remain fully surrendered to God's will. Pray for my preschoolers as I teach them on Wednesday nights about we can all work together to meet the needs of children all over the world. Pray for their moms, dads and caregivers as we try to help them care for others as a family.

Pray and draw closer to our Heavenly Father in the process.

A little randomness about us...

2009-05-26T06:43:00.004-05:00

I have been growing my hair out to donate. I think it is pretty but more so I think it is ANNOYING. It is hot. So I couldn't wait to get it chopped. My sweet little friend Taylor got hers chopped with me. I am mailing it off today but still researching a little to decide to which organization. It will most likely go to Locks of Love. Here are some photos...

The lady that cut my hair was a little clueless about how to cut it but it turned out ok. I will be getting it changed a little in about 4 weeks, a little more layering so it is not so chopped looking.

It sure felt much longer than it actually looked. I guess I could have gone longer.

And of course the boy made his appearance. He even told me he wanted to grow his to donate.

We also celebrated Jman's birthday this weekend. He is 5 now!!!! Sigh... He is growing so much and getting smarter and smarter by the minute (also becoming a sarcastic little smart@$$ in the process.) We had his party at the park again. I was so happy when he said he WANTED to do it there. It was simple, cheap and low key. I will post pictures tomorrow maybe.

So that is the fun news in the Poulsen house. Some not so fun news is, Chris feels like CRAP. He has gone to the ER a few times for relief. He has nausea and pain. Surgery is only 3 weeks away. We are praying BIG that the pain is completely gone once the pelvic dissection is complete. At this surgery she will also create the Jpouch if his small intestine is long enough. Either we will go back in December for final surgery to hook the plumbing back up for normal directional flow or this will be the last surgery and he will keep the bag. Either way - we just want a total end to the pain and nausea.

We have pretty much come to the conclusion that the nausea may be more under his control. I am worried that he does not take in enough fluids. We know for sure that his pH has been off. He has also had canker sores in his mouth REALLY bad. Now the newest ailment is this massive "tumor" on the side of his jaw. He gets ingrown hairs on his face regularly. This time the bump got HUGE, seriously tumor-like. There is no hair right there anymore because he has plucked them all out trying to dig out the ingrown ones. Well when he went to the ER yesterday, for the pain and nausea, they told him to just put warm compresses on it. That was a relief to me because Chris kept talking about lancing it. What a weirdo! It is already a little better - he got another hair out of it yesterday. Isn't this the grossest post ever? Well no maybe not - I have talked about poop a lot over the last couple years.

So please keep praying for Chris. We are making it through this and praying that the end is in sight. No more pain - that is our honest prayer. Gone. Done. Finished. Pray that we will be disciplined to eat better as well. I also have a mission team meeting tomorrow night. I am pretty sure that I am sharing about Uganda / HopeChest / partnerships / ministry. Please pray that I do nothing but allow God to speak through me. He is leading this - not me. I only want to go where He leads. I am so grateful I get to be part of the work that HE is doing. WOW!!!

Are you willing to use the influence you have...

2009-05-23T16:05:00.003-05:00

Ok - so I have recently been exposed to Francis Chan. I LOVE what God is saying through this man. A friend sent me to this sermon and you really NEED to hear it too. Go to http://www.cornerstonesimi.com/ and go to "Get a Sermon" and click on enCourage.

It has been very obvious to anyone reading here or my emails or Facebook how I feel about orphan care, about adoption, about Africa (a piece of my heart will always be in China too), foster care - kids suffering anywhere. Well I have had the statement given me that has begun to bug me, especially after this sermon. Orphan Care is not everyone's passion. Some people don't care about the plight of orphans. Is that really ok? I mean as a Christian, is it really ok to say that a child, that was created by the same God that created us - as a parent, created MY SON. Is it really ok to not care that there are orphans rummaging through garbage cans for food, being sold into slavery for the pleasure of some rich pervert, for kids suffering from curable/preventable illnesses. Is it really ok to be oblivious to that? Is it ok for those who do not have a passion for orphan care to tell someone who does - "You can't save the world." Is that really how Jesus leads you? I don't think I mean this to sound harsh, but then again, maybe I do.

I do not want other missions or ministries to be abandoned. We MUST care about everything that God cares about - EVERYTHING. We must allow our hearts to be broken for the things that break God's heart. So maybe you cannot go on a trip, maybe you cannot adopt, maybe you can't foster, maybe in this uncertain economic time you cannot sponsor a child, but you know what you can do? You CAN Pray! We tend to blow this off and I just don't know why. We can PRAY without ceasing, we can encourage those who are going, giving, sharing. I do not mean saying "ok yeah you are a really good person for doing that, you are special, you are a better person than me." None of these things are true. Encourage others by praying for them, crying with them, laughing with them, hearing what they have to say and actually try to care about their passion. Encourage them by asking them how you can help - what specifically you can pray for them about and actually praying about those things on a regular basis.

You know what is cool about prayer? It actually becomes more about you and God and less about the person you are praying for. God begins to become real to you and you develop a much more intimate relationship with Him. When that begins to happen you have opened your heart more to be able to be broken - this IS a good thing. It hurts, but it has to happen.

Hebrews 10:24-25 says,
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. ²⁵Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Can we really look the other way under the guise that "I don't have a heart for orphans"? Isn't it just possible we can ALL do SOMETHING to help. Please begin praying for kids all over the world that have been suffering, are suffering right now, and will suffer tomorrow. Pray without ceasing.

Joining two forgotten groups into one mission...

2009-05-23T01:23:00.002-05:00

This is sweet, sweet Beatrice. She is an amazing woman with a great testimony. I pray you will take the time to listen and reflect on how God might be moving you to help in Uganda or maybe even in your own back yard. Her passion along with the hope that only Jesus provides has given 20,000 widows in the Soroti area a reason to live. They once again believe they have a purpose. The best part of their new found purpose and passion is that it involves not only caring for each other but also for the fatherless, the orphans.

Please also go and read Brandi's post. If you want to know what we were doing in Africa, well this is it. When a church matches up with a carepoint, they will be helping the widows to help the orphans. They will not only be able to share the gospel with those who have not heard but they will also help give these women dignity and purpose and give security and love to the children.

I meet with our mission team at church Wednesday night. I hope to have some more specific progress and know how I will be able to move forward with sponsoring a care point - specifically Adacar in the Katakwi sub district of Uganda. Please pray with me as the specifics come together. Pray that I do not force things that I am able to wait on God and follow Him, not try to lead Him. Pray for all the widows and all the orphans and all those who do not know the saving grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

What my boy wants for his birthday...

2009-05-19T19:24:00.003-05:00

"Food cards to feed my family"
Is my boy not the sweetest thing ever!! I have been getting the most kisses and I love you's lately. I am loving this boy to pieces.

Oh and he also wants gift cards. How stinkin' funny is that? He loves the idea of there being money on there and then also getting to keep the card afterward. He has a collection of them.

And of course I have to share pictures from MDO graduation today. Here is an elusive picture of all three of us together along with some with his best bud Payton. The quality is not the greatest because of the lighting in that big room but you get the picture.

God's answer for me about Africa and Chris...

2009-05-18T08:30:00.003-05:00

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

A friend of a friend posted on my Facebook status. This led me to go to her profile and this is what I found. WOW!!! I have never read this verse before. So... my job is to be persistent but not frustrated. I need to keep moving forward and watch God work. This is not my job but God actually wants ME?!?! to join Him as He completes His work. Too Cool!!!

So I will keep praying for Chris to be healed. I will keep praying for a community to join me in partnering with Adacar to sponsor the kids there and provide assistance to the area through prayer, building projects, visits, letters and more.

How good it is to sing praises to our God!!!

Orphan Care and Adoption Expo...

2009-05-16T20:06:00.004-05:00

We had our first Orphan Care and Adoption Expo at church today and it went WONDERFUL!!! We had a great line up of speakers discussing various topics from adoption 101 to adoption ministry to post adoption support. I was only able to attend one breakout since I was helping out with registration. I sat in on the What Every Adoptee Wishes their Adoptive Parents knew. It was led by a woman adopted from Korea as an infant and she had some GREAT insight. I was so excited to hear her say that talking about your child's story from the very beginning of their life with you is a very good idea. I have said before how I made up a little bedtime story to tell Jman - called Prince JiaJia. It is basically his story. He loves it.

We also were able to hear Emily Chapman Richards share her testimony and heart for adoption and orphan care. She is a very neat woman and her story is filled with moments of extreme highs and extreme lows. The cool thing is how she has been able to stand firm on the foundation of her faith in Christ. She is very honest and very humble and very much in love with Jesus. It was a special treat for everyone who attended to be able to share in her story. I am looking forward to the future of our orphan care and adoption ministry and how my desire to partner with an orphan community in Katakwi can fit in with our overall church mission. I have my first "speaking engagement" tomorrow :) A life group invited me to share about my trip, my passion, and exactly what they can do to be part of caring for widows and orphans.

I still have much to share about Uganda. Praying hard to keep the busyness from overtaking my time - I am failing right now. Why are we such a "busy" nation? Why do we constantly add more and more things to be involved with? Why can't we do one thing and do it well? That is where I want to work towards - finding that one thing and doing it WELL.

Francis

2009-05-11T09:07:00.003-05:00

Sharing Jesus with others is so important. It is the most important thing we will ever share with anyone. At the same time I do not believe that we can simply leave it at that. We must share the gospel but Jesus also commands us to care for our neighbor. Many joined in caring for Francis through their donations to our trip. He was so starved that he was not able to begin his ARV treatments for AIDS. Now he has been able to eat. We pray that he is able to keep the food down and also to make the journey to receive his ARV treatment.

I know you may read some of the things I have been posting and think this is all too overwhelming. I have felt that. I feel it. But at the same time I know without a doubt that Satan wants us to feel overwhelmed. He knows that when we are overwhelmed we are paralyzed. Please do not allow this to happen to you. You can make a difference. We can each make a difference in another person's life, or a few people. We can stand together and help our neighbor.

Consider talking to your church about a potential sponsorship. Consider joining one of the other communities that is banding together to sponsor a Ugandan Care Point. Consider stepping out in faith that God is bigger than our fears. He is the God that fed thousands from one boy's meager lunch. He is the God that raised Lazarus from the dead. He is the God that came to Earth, lived a sinless life, was tortured and crucified for our sins, and was raised from the dead that we may have everlasting life. He is God and He will always honor our giving and multiply it.

Stand By Me...

2009-05-10T06:41:00.004-05:00

I just ran across this compilation of street performers all over the world doing their version of Stand By Me. The guy in the beginning says something like, no matter rich or poor we will all need someone to stand by us at some point. We were not created to live in solitude. We have to live in relationships to be fully who we were created to be. Specifically we must live in relationship with our Creator, Father God. I believe His desire for us is that we stand by each other even if it means we will get dirty, or we will be taken advantage of, or we may get sick, or it may be uncomfortable, or we may have to give up something we really want in order to use the money for someone else. I found all this information on Full House, Full Hands, Full Hearts, a blog I try to visit regularly. Here is a quote she posted:

Rich Stearns, President of World Vision, US said,
"I believe that this could very well be looked back on as the sin of our generation. I look at my parents and ask, where were they during the civil rights movement? I look at my grandparents and ask, what were they doing when the holocaust in Europe was occurring with regard to the Jews, and why didn't they speak up? And when we think of our great, great, great-grandparents, we think how could they have sat by and allowed slavery to exist? And I believe that our children and their children, 40 or 50 years from now, are going to ask me, what did you do while 40 million children became orphans in Africa?"

It is so incredibly hard to go back to life before visiting Africa. Knowing that $7 (well actually $2.50 on this trip) provides a net to help keep children from getting sick and possible dying from a treatable illness, malaria. Knowing that about $5-7 provides seeds for a family to have an ongoing crop of beans - food, which they desperately need. Or how about this one, $0.17 provides a meal for one person. I know you have seen this on TV and you are skeptical about it because yes there is corruption and wrong handling of funds all the time. But I can live there anymore. I have to at least try. I have seen first hand that Children's Hope Chest is providing for the needs of these people. I have seen locals who genuinely care for their neighbors and want to do whatever they can to help. I have seen it with my own eyes and I cannot ignore it or be pessimistic about it. I am telling you right now I have seen that a difference can be made - it can happen but it will take all of us standing by each other to stand by the widow and the orphan and the poor.

Will you stand be me? Will you share the love of Christ and the hope that only He can give? Will you stand by the widow both here in the states and even across the globe? Will you stand be the AIDs Orphan who has no hope without you? Will you stand by the poor wasting before your eyes?

I will know more about how I am moving forward with partnering with a care point once I talk with my church. Stay tuned and be ready!!!

So it has officially happened...

2009-05-09T05:25:00.003-05:00

I thought it had already happened but I was wrong. I am now Gloriously Ruined. I am sitting here in my comfy chair, wrapped in a comfy blanket, with my coveted computer, watching one of my favorite shows while my family is sleeping safely upstairs. I look around my house and begin to cry. Why? Because I can do nothing but see in my mind the faces and remember the stories and know I can never allow those memories to fade. I am not saying all this to create a sense of guilt. No, this is one of the many moments of discovering how to live in the tension. Being able to be used by Almighty God here in my comfort zone all the while being aware of the needs around me and around the world. It too easy to go to extremes by either ignoring it all because it is too overwhelming or by jumping up on a soapbox and judging everyone around me by an unattainable standard.

The balance is to be in constant prayer and available to God instead of getting bogged down in the vastness of need or the monotony of everyday busyness.

I am so excited about the contacts made on this trip and about the opportunity to share the trip with my church and my friends and my "circles." There is much work to be done - together we as one community can make a difference in a community there. Do you have a "circle" or community that could band together to make a difference? If so, get in touch with me and I can get you hooked in and get you the information you need to partner with a Care Point. The harvest is plenty and the workers are few - that means we have a LOT of work to do.

The last pair of shoes...

2009-05-03T07:41:00.004-05:00

First for pictures please go check Ria's page. She is an AMAZING photographer and we are so blessed to have her sharing the stories through pictures.

Ok so I am having a bit of bloggers block because at night when we get home me and a few of the girls get too silly to be serious. I guess it is our processing method. But here goes:

Yesterday was Saturday and we went to your first carepoint possibility. It was an area that had initially been said had about 100 orphans. Many of these orphans had no adults caring for them if not for a wonderful organization that has united Widows and Orphans together. More on that when I can get Brandi to go over the details with me again - you guys know how BAD I am with details and even more so when I am overwhelmed. So we got there and of course they sang to us a little and we heard about the widows and what they were trying to accomplish with caring for the orphans and supporting each other. Then it was time to serve them their first meal - it was at 12pm!!!!!!!! Let it sink in. For some it may have been a first meal in days.

So we are feeling great giving these kids something to put in their bellies. Granted it was flour and water cooked into a porridge like soup but still. So here is where you might need to go ahead and grab one of those tissues. More than 500 kids showed up and guess what - they did not plan for that many. Are you grasping where this is going? There was not enough. I had 3 cups of food to hand out and I HAD TO CHOOSE WHO TO GIVE IT TO!!!!! I had to choose who would eat right then and who would have to wait until later. What the crap???? GOD!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? I lost it and Brandi quickly lowered my sunglasses and sent me out to get a few more cups because she had a few drops left to hand out. So I walked out with the biggest fake grin I could muster and tears streaming and got a few more cups and GUESS WHAT? That meant I had to choose AGAIN, who would get it now and who would wait. There was another meal coming later from Children's Hope Chest but they had to wait until later for it.

You may be sitting there now saying "oh that is awful, oh those poor kids" and soon you will move on to the next thing so you can stop thinking about this. Decide now to allow God to break your heart for what breaks His. Because truthfully, He sees this every minute of every day over and over again. He sees His children go hungry knowing there are so many of us with the ability to provide. Compassion means to suffer with, but more closely it is translated as having your guts ripped out. Well, yeah, my guts were ripped out. What am I going to do with this? It is really a very easy decision for me. As you are reading this, what are you going to do with this information. I have an idea. Most of the sites we are visiting need sponsorship. I believe God is leading to me gather a group to sponsor one of these areas. Will you join me?

I made a friend today, well a lot of friends...

2009-05-01T18:43:00.003-05:00

Today we left for Soroti. We were able to go shopping and pick up a TON of mosquito nets at a GREAT price, some mattresses (lost due to a fire), and food - rice and CHICKEN!!!! We also picked up some friends for the road. Rose and daughter Helen and 2 grandchildren Zapporah and Jamima took a ride with us because she needed visit a young girl who is in the hospital with a terrible infected wound. We are hoping to go and pray with her for healing. We also went on over to pick up Katie and also meet her children, all 14 of them. If you don't know Katie you should read her blog. She is 20 years old, living in Uganda caring for her girls - yes her girls as she is their foster mother until she becomes their legal guardian. Are you hearing me here, she is mom, not like a mom, not kind of a mom, she is their mom. I love Katie and how she has chosen who she is going to follow. I want to live like that - in complete obedience to God.

We visited Nabakalu, which is fully sponsored by Summit Church in Naples. There are 102 orphans living at Nabakalu. Summit Church in Naples has a membership of 250. Do those numbers say anything to you?

While at Nabakalu we enjoyed song and dance from the kids and then were able to serve them lunch. My little friend, Jamima who is 4 years olds, took a liking to me and helped us serve. It was so sweet. Later while the kids from the orphanage were eating, we played with the village kids who followed the bus load of Mzungu's to the site. Mzungu is the local term for Americans. Ria, our photographer was surrounded by them while she was taking pictures. They are just like all kids and were excited to see their pictures. Some other kids were playing soccer and Ashley and I kicked it around a little, well actually it was more Ashley doing the kicking. It was great. Then I took out the camera and they swarmed too. Then I decided to sit down with them and chat. They would repeat everything I said - even Ummmmm! So then Ria suggested singing. We started with Twinkle Twinkle and I gave them some motions. We also sang Itsy Bitsy Spider and they loved the WASHED the spider out part and would repeat the WASHED in the same way I did - so I exaggerated it big time. Finally we did Old MacDonald. It was so fun watching them form the sounds to the animals. I had such a great time sitting and singing with them and then of course those ugly words come - It is time to Leave. I hate those words.

We had worship later at the guest house. I will have to chat about that next because it is like 3 am and Brandi says I have to go to bed. good night.

Pray for Jinja and Soroti.

Can someone say 1000!!!!!

2009-05-01T16:22:00.003-05:00

Can't write much - we are SO BUSY!!!! We are sorting the donations and can I just tell you that as of right now with more bags to unload, we have a couch full of toothbrushes and toothpaste, a chair full of pencils and pencils sharpeners, a suitcase full of shoes, a table full of toiletries, a couple suitcases of underwear, and on and on. Stay tuned for photos.

LOVE TO YOU ALL FROM UGANDA!!!!!!!!!!!

How good it is to sing praises to our God!!!!

oh wait I just got an official count of 902 toothbrushes - WOW!!!

The road to Rapha...

2009-05-01T06:12:00.003-05:00

The time we spent at Rapha was SO SHORT yesterday but so wonderful. I LOVED being able to see Brandi interact with her partner community. Her church, Westwood, has sponsored all the kids living at Rapha and have many more people waiting to sponsor a child. Through Children's Hope Chest and this trip and Westwood's faithfulness, this school / home for 50 something kids is thriving. Watching Brandi tell those kids about the specific people praying and loving each specific child was, well, I just don't have the right words. I just loved it. This is such an awesome model for sponsorship. Children's Hope Chest has really created a wonderful way to not only provide financial support to orphans but to provide a whole community to care for and pray for and make trips to visit and so much more. I just LOVE IT!!!!!! I want to be part of it. Please pray with me about that.

We were also able to visit another site, a potential partnership. We got to goof off with some kids from the community who really need to be part of the care that this orphanage is providing. Obviously to make that happen they need a church willing to partner with them and provide regular support to give them the ability to take in more kids. I had SO MUCH FUN being silly with these kids. I didn't even mind that the other girls were taking pictures with me making unbelievably ugly faces. The kids were laughing so hard - and all I did was play this little piggy. They really like the "wee wee wee." What an amazingly, wonderful, eye opening day. This trip is SO much different from my first international trip (to China.)

Well I need to stop hogging the computer. But just to leave you with the most silly mental picture you could possibly think of I will go ahead and tell you that I danced. Yes, me, incredibly uncoordinated white girl with no rhythm, I danced. I shook my booty. So sad, but the kids rolled with laughter. So it was every bit worth it. This is Africa!!!!

Love you all and thank you so much for the prayers.

Surrendering in Uganda...

2009-04-30T04:44:00.005-05:00

Hey guys, we are on the bus almost to our destination in Jinja. Flights were uneventful and great. Had a wonderful time giggling with Brandi and finally meeting some of the other girls. Will meet the rest in moments. We are meshing well and we thank God for our sweet new friendships. Joseph, or Papa J as he has been affectionately named is AWESOME!! Reminds me of our Bob in China. He and Brandi have a great relationship and he has a huge heart for the orphans here.

We had devotional earlier as we were driving. It went really well. We talked about our expectations of the trip and how we have to identify them so we can surrender them to God's bigger and better purpose.

We are here and I have to cut this short. I love you guys and we covet you prayers. Will be hanging with kids soon. WOO HOO!!!!

Love from Uganda, Anne

oh yeah and I just drove over the Nile River - WOW!!!!!!!!

My boy is so serious...

2009-04-25T22:49:00.005-05:00

uhhh no not really. He and Baba got a haircut this afternoon. Jman wanted to hop in the pool afterward and wanted his swimming gear. This is what he entertained us with for about 30 minutes. I laughed so much harder when I watched the video I took. Might not be as funny to you but I needed that great laugh, it has been a while since I have laughed like this. Check it out and get your laugh too.

Uganda - Prayer Requests for our team...

2009-04-22T22:25:00.003-05:00

From Brandi's blog... she always steals my thoughts :)

Thanks to everyone who has been so encouraging as we lead up to this trip! We are thrilled! There are 10 of us girls traveling together from all across the US. Our desire is to see multiple orphan communities find sponsoring church / city communities! Here are some of our prayer requests. . not in order of importance!

Travel:
1. Flights ~ connections, extra seats for sleeping (huge request), safety
2. Peace for those traveling alone
3. Physical Condition ~ you know how you get run down when you travel? We have to hit the ground running. There are also lots of germs on planes so pray against sickness
4. On the ground travel ~ safety, time, vehicle conditions, drivers, etc

Team:
1. As I said. . .10 women. . .need I say more? hehe, but truthfully!
2. Unity and instant connection
3. Encouraging attitudes that see Jesus in one another and affirm it
4. Pray against the enemy who will try to place us in judgement of one another
5. Pray against the enemy who will try to destroy self worth
**often, women who care deeply about orphan care feel alone in their world. They expect to have instant connection then with a group of women who share their passions. However, the enemy can use that to make women compare themselves to one another (i.e. she's the better version of me)
6. Peace (in our hearts and amongst us)
7. Lack of gossip
8. Fun!
9. Challenging of one another
10. Excitement of God's Plans
11. Flexibility

Hearts:
1. Open and receptive to the Lords Leading
2. Ready to be plowed and changed
3. CHANGE. . straight from Jesus
4. Purpose for the trip
5. Clarity from the Lord on next steps
6. Discernment about the orphan community to sponsor
7. Extending compassion with dignity

Other:
1. Relationships with on the ground partners and personnel
2. That we would represent the Lord well with ALL we come across
3. That we would be led by the Spirit in all that we do

I'm sure there are another 100 things you could pray over! Add them here and I'll forward them on to the girls. Seriously, we COVET your prayers. More than anything we want HIS plans to proceed and His direction in all that we do. As the leader, you can pray for me to sacrifice my plans and be ready for what God has while still being prepared, for me to be a servant leader yet not think I have to be everything to everyone. does that make sense? Those of you who know me, know my faults in leadership and I know will lift me up. I don't want my sinfulness or self to get in the way of the Lord but want to be changed and used for the Lord all at the same time.

Octopus caught in a flood...

2009-04-21T22:31:00.002-05:00

The people who would get that don't even read my junk but oh well... I'm spinning in all different directions. I still don't know how to keep a balance, or maybe I just don't prioritize and plan out my tasks very well. Whatever...

So I am leaving, well actually by this time next week, I will be in route to Uganda. I am so incredibly excited but it is being a little buffered by the huge amount of stuff I feel I need to get done before then. I am not a good planner nor do I use my time in the best way. Like now for instance, I need to go to bed. Again, whatever...

Ok so any last minute donations - we are taking toothbrushes and paste, pencils and pencil sharpeners, underwear (toddlers on up to teens.) Or if you would like to donate to our fund that we will use on the ground as needed for mosquito nets, food, supplies for care points, whatever God shows us, you can go to Brandi's site and use a paypal account to put money into her Uganda account. I meet up with her in for the long flight. I am so excited to spend that long flight with her, chatting about BIG, my summer missions projects in preschool at church and ways to teach kids about poverty.

Speaking of teaching kids about poverty, here's a story about my Jman. I have been reading Brandi's blog for about a year now. I love reading about how her kids are so concerned about the kids in Africa getting clean water and food and other things they need. It is evident that this is regular conversation in their house. So I had started trying to talk about it with Jman. It started off really well and he has had some instances of being so caring and generous with very little or no prompting from me. Well yesterday we got to talking about his birthday. I suggested to him that we ask his guests to give donations to help the kids in Africa who don't have anything. He said most emphatically "no way." I was slightly surprised, not completely because he IS a 4 year old child. Anyway he proceeded to tell me that he would share his toys in his room but not his presents he would be getting for his birthday. Sigh... I know he doesn't understand it, but we are so incredibly blessed and do not need anything - especially not more toys. But I am not discouraged. We will continue talking and sharing about how we care for others because that is exactly what Christ has commanded us to do. The boy often has concerns about going to Heaven because of having to leave his toys behind so we still have a little work to do. He is such a funny little boy. I will have to start modeling the giving behavior a little better.

So I have VBS coming up and I am heading up crafts. I have been so busy collecting, sorting, and searching for supplies. We also have an Adoption Expo right after I get home from Uganda. I am leading the missions portion of our new Wednesday evening program, BIG, and need to come up with my own lessons. My boys need me. And now I have picked up another babysitting job. I still have my family of 4 one day a week. Now I have a family of 5, a 3rd grader and a set of quadruplets. I am loving babysitting, it is right up my alley. The Quads are great, crazy busy, but great. I am still teaching my Mom's Day Out classes but that will break for summer soon. Chris will be registering the boy for Kindergarten while I am gone. It is not really that much stuff when I type it out but it sure seems to take a lot of time.

I have had some conversations lately about being in a small group. Chris and I do need to be in a small group. We just can't ever seem to get in one that stays together. Maybe we run them off. It will pretty much have to be a home group because I teach on Sunday mornings and just can't see us keeping Jman at church for over 3 hours just so we can try to get out of bed early enough to get to an 8:15 Life Group. So I am praying for a good group to begin meeting with and sharing and learning and reading.

Well, I am officially exhausted and heading to my uncomfortable bed. Most likely I will post about Uganda after I am home

A Forever Family meets...

2009-04-13T21:55:00.002-05:00

Oh Happy Day! My dear sweet, lovable, adorable, amazing, Jesus loving friend had her prayers answered today. Her boy is in her arms and I am over the moon for her. Go check out her story here.

HAPPY FOREVER FAMILY DAY TO YOU:
Zach, Leanne, and Khai (and soon home to Izzie.) Praising God through the tough times all the way to now as we rejoice together with you and your family. Love you guys!!!!!!

I am not rushing your time, but I can't wait to see you.

Fun Photo Friday...

2009-04-10T14:19:00.005-05:00

A day at the beach for Baba's Spring Break...

THREE WEEKS...

2009-04-08T00:33:00.002-05:00

(from yesterday I guess) I am leaving for Uganda!!!! In typical Anne fashion, I still have no idea what I am packing or if I have everything I need. I am so excited not only about traveling to Africa and meeting some kids and praying to find a community to sponsor them, but also about all the women with whom I am traveling. This is seriously about as far out of my comfort zone as I can get. People tend to think I am not shy but I really am at times. Maybe not so much shy as more having that feeling of inadequacy and shying away because of that. So here we go, a prayer request for any reading - Pray that we will all be filled with God's love for us and have no other needs for feeding our pride or envy or self worth. Pray that we can all see ourselves and each other as God sees us and be able to work in that capacity. What an amazing trip this will be if this prayer will be answered. AMAZING!!!

Also I am still working with a friend at my church to try and establish some kind of relationship that will allow us to be part of caring for an orphanage in Uganda. My friend has come on board and has been unbelievably adept at finding and establishing contact with "friends" in Uganda as this is necessary for our church to be involved. So I may be able to meet and discover ways to partner with work being done in that capacity as well as meeting the needs of an orphan community. So here we are with another prayer point - that I will again not fall prey to those lies that I am inadequate to be able to talk to others and help foster a working relationship - I know alone I am inadequate but praise Jesus that I will not be making this trip alone. He will be with me and working through me and showing me the truth of who He is and what He can do no matter who I am.

We will be taking items for each of the communities we visit. We will be donating pencils and pencil sharpeners, underwear, toothbrushes and toothpaste. If you have anything you want to send for the kids let me know. I also have a huge lot of shoes to take, so maybe I won't be taking anything else :) Some friends who are in the process of adopting from Ethiopia have their own business and decided to donate the shoes instead of marking them down. Pretty cool!

Ok prayer list recheck:
1) pray for our interaction with each other as many of us have never met in person
2) pray about my church's involvement, how it will come about, and about my meeting with friends in Uganda and establishing an ongoing relationship ministering to them
3) pray for anyone who has felt a desire to give, sometimes we think about it but never actually do it, we plan on taking donations with us and also using any monetary donations to meet children's / caregivers needs as they arise during our trip.
4) Of course pray as I must begin getting arrangements set up for my baby boy. It will work out best for someone to be here when Chris leaves, which will be a burden I know. Pray for my boys to have an uneventful time while I am away. Chris will be healthy and Jman will be content - yeah right!!!

Finally, I am also so insanely excited that I get to hook up with my childhood friend. We basically lived at each other's house during the summer. And she is really excited about this trip and wants to hear more.

Ok I seriously need to go to bed...

Amazing News....

2009-03-27T07:46:00.003-05:00

My dear sweet friends, who have had an incredibly difficult adoption journey, will be holding their baby boy - FINALLY - in a matter weeks, maybe days. This is the most wonderful, amazing, fantastic, joyful, woo hoo, I can't even speak coherent sentences, great news. Praise you Jesus for your faithfulness and your constant love for my sweet friends. You were there to whole time through their struggle, their grief, their disappointment, and now their almost complete joy. I cannot wait to hear the rest of the story and find out how God will continue to work through the entire family and community of friends that have been praying for this news. Thank you Jesus!!!!

The Wrecker...

2009-03-17T22:05:00.002-05:00

Well, I know when bad things happen it is a perfect opportunity for Satan to fill us with lies. I am struggling with this right now. I wrecked our "good" vehicle Sunday. I am incredibly frustrated about it. First of all, I was alone in the truck and am ok. The family in the other vehicle is ok as well. It was a mom and her SIX, yes SIX kids. Her 16-year-old was driving. It was wet, I was coming around a curve. The rear end of the truck lost traction and I began fish tailing. I missed the first two vehicles and slammed into the Expedition with my front driver side into their front driver side. I then spun off them, backwards into the ditch on my side where I rolled over on the drivers side due to wet, sandy, slightly declining ground. As I relaized what happend and realized I was on my side, I began to sob uncontrollably. I saw my phone and immediately called Chris. I could see people running towards my truck. Then I had to call someone from church to let them know I would not be there for my three year old class. You know for an adult class it is no big deal if a teacher doesn't show up, they will just drink some coffee and chat. If someone bails on a preschool or children's classroom - well it would be MAYHEM!!!

I was able to climb out with help from by-standers. I could not stop crying. Chris got there and he and the paramedics convinced to go ahead and take a ride in the ambulance. That sucked big time - neck brace and back board were KILLER! Dr. looked me over and verified that I did not lose conciousness and was fairly sure I did not have any brain injuries. Of course I am steadily believing that lie that I am such an idiot and can't drive.

I am feeling it today a little more than yesterday. It feels like my nerves are on fire but at a dull intensity if that makes any sense. Worst part though really is this sense of feeling like an idiot and believing it. I know that is so wrong but I do.

So that I do not dwell too long on negative things, here are some sweet and funny outcomes of the ordeal. My son prayed for me at lunch on Sunday and thanked God that I was ok and that everyone was ok from the wreck. He was so loving and sweet to me - extraordinarily sweet to me. I was actually loving it big time. He also proceeded to tell me all day yesterday that he forgives me for wrecking the truck. So kind of him wouldn't you say. But nothing beats today.
This morning I told him to get shoes on
he argued with me that we would be late if he got the lace up shoes.
I told him I would help.
He is working at the lace up shoes and tells me he wants to be able to do it by himself.
I encourage him to continue practicing and he will get it.
He says but when?
To which I reply, you just have to keep at it, there are things I am not good at and I have to practie also.
You ready for it? - he says "like driving?? because you wrecked the truck?"

ROFLOL!!! I have laughed so much telling people about this today. ROTTEN BOY!!!

When we got home from school today I told him I was not feeling good and he asked me if I needed some love from JiaJia. Well of course I said and he hugged me big and kissed my knee.

What a boy - I do love him so.

Please be praying for Abby, she desparately needs her white blood cells to kick in and battle off infection and help her begin to heal. Go check out their blog. If you want to know how to lean on God during traumatic times, this is the place to do it. They are so transparent and so eager to share the good and the downright ugly. Please pray for this family right now.

So many great thoughts...

2009-03-11T00:03:00.004-05:00

but this is the one I get conversation going on. I didn't even know I had enough readership to have controversy.

But wait a minute...

What about RAPHA????

Click on the link and donate $50 to send a kid to school and give them some food. These kids need to stay in their school and of course need to eat and drink clean water. And by all means, please donate more if you can. Seriously worked up about my thoughts on preschool and nothing about these kids who, CAN'T go to their school right now. Please Please, send whatever you can, God will use every joyful heart and generous gift and multiply beyond our understanding.

I had all this other blah blah talking more about my silly opinions and I keep coming back to Rapha. So I deleted all of it. I have opinions, I know they are my opinions, I am open to other's opinions because I want to grow and understand and learn and be the best God has planned for me to be. I do sometimes feel I am dismissed because I am a SAHM who only works part time in a church Mom's Day Out program. But what about this cold reality: while I am sitting here going on and on about particular methods of child rearing or teaching, there are children in Uganda (and of course places all over the world) who don't have access to school, food or clean water. School is their life force. It is what will give them a life other than child soldiers, child prostitutes, and other unimaginable atrocities. Be part of the Bridegroom's wooing, as Brandi so eloquently put it, and send what you can to help the kids in Rapha. You can let me know about it if you like because I will be visiting them in May. I will see the faces of the kids you impact with your gift. Pray for these kids, for kids around the globe.

I stole this quote off a friend's facebook:

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.” Mother Teresa

Getting ready for Kindergarten...

2009-03-08T23:54:00.003-05:00

FIRST - Please pray for Abby she has some major scary stuff going on with her liver on top of everything else she is fighting. Also pray for the children of Rapha as noted in previous post.

This is something that is always on my mind: This obsession with "being ready for kindergarten." What the heck does that mean? I hear it all the time, "well they will want him to know his ABC's," "they will want him to know his phone number and address," "He needs to be able to count to 5 or 10 or whatever." I am sorry but seriously - if my kid can't do any of that stuff, he will still go to kindergarten and he will learn it all when he is developmentally ready. And yes I know that all the screening is to put them in groups of similar skilled children or something like that. Is this really all we care about for our preschoolers to learn anymore - all this academic crap that used to be expected of older children. And you know what? I don't blame the teachers or the education system, I blame parents. Parents have allowed these standards to be set for their children. Trust me, I do fall for some of this sometimes, when I hear a mom talking about what her kid can do and mine isn't doing it yet. And then I give myself a good smack! It is bad enough that once my child is enrolled in school there will no longer be money for art, or music and probably not even money for sports and extracurricular activities based on some things Coach has been telling me. Now I am supposed to take that away from my preschooler and drill ABC's into him through worksheets and other boring stuff so he will know his address.

I am the Queen of plagiarism here on this blog so read this. This is a preschool teacher talking to parents at open house. She has just finished going over what kids will experience at the preschool and has now opened for Q's from parents:

"When I open up for questions a hand shoots up and a parents says, “I know you probably hear this all the time but my child is almost 3 and he/she already knows letters and numbers and is getting ready to begin reading. Will my child be bored in your program?”
Okay, take a deep breath I say to myself. They want the very best for their child. And I go back and talk about how every child is unique and our teachers will make sure the all children are engaged and that perhaps for this child, the social piece of preschool will be the most important, giving them a chance to be a leader and to feel successful about being in school.

What I want to say is when did playing become less than desirable? When did we begin to de-value the importance of getting along with others, being able to take turns, share, listen and respond. At what point did learning to read by age 3 become so very important? And, I want to say, there are children in our Pre-K class who know their letters but don’t have enough hand strength to hold a pencil long enough to write them. Or children who know how to count and know all their colors and shapes, but cannot make it through recess without having some sort of meltdown over not getting to have the red scooter or the blue ball. Will they be successful in kindergarten?

I teach 3 year olds. I know exactly what this teacher is saying. I get nervous and fall prey to these crazy expectations some times because the way I teach does not have an immediate measurable outcome. I teach through experience. We didn't just tell the kids that Vegetables are good for them or that the word starts with a V. We let them make Vegetable soup. We didn't just read a book about pancakes we make them once a month for snack. We don't just tell them about the centers in the classroom we actually participate with them and play with them. Because guess what - preschoolers play, they need to play, they learn through playing. Sometimes we encourage a manner of play and other times we sit in amazement at what they have come up with on their own. We do our very best to make sure the kids experience preschool not just attend. We give them opportunities to problem solve as they get into disagreements with their friends. We give them do-overs. We encourage creativity by not providing a sample that we want them to copy just so it will be pretty to an adult or look like what we think it should look like.

I know I am out there on a tangent. This subject really gets to me. School is no longer about the child and I think that is a real danger. School is only about a measurable outcome that has nothing really to do with an individuals capacity for "Learning." I think parents are allowing this to happen. I don't have an answer for it. I just pray that God will become the guiding force behind legislation on education and that He will raise up parents willing to fight for what kids need and not just settle with what is convenient for them.

Praying, Supporting, Giving...

2009-03-06T08:27:00.004-06:00

My friend Brandi and her church are in process of partnering with Rapha, an orphanage in Uganda that we will be visiting on the trip. The sponsorships will entail regular income providing for food and school. Here is the deal - they need help right now, this moment, immediately. Every prayer, penny, nickel, dime, quarter, dollar. Please read this post, Angel put it so perfectly, I did not see any reason to re-write...

I need your help blogger buddies. 357 children will NOT be ok if we don't DO SOMETHING now. We're not talking luxuries here. We're not talking they will lose their cable or not have nice shoes for school. We are talking NO FOOD and NO SCHOOL! This is NOT OK with me. So not ok... Rapha is an organization that we have verified through Children's Hopechest as a place that is doing a good job. It is a place I am willing to send my money. Red Letters Campaign wants to get behind Children's Hopechest in serving these sweet children. Would you consider helping RLC spread the word about these babies on your blog? I have put a new button on the bottom of my blog. It says SHARE. All you have to do is click that button to share this post on facebook or twitter or whatever! Thank you so much for your hearts to love these little ones.

We've just received confirmation from our new Uganda staff director, Joseph, that 357 children in the Rapha community are out of food and at-risk for losing their school placements (due to inability to pay school fees).

You guys have proven that you understand the dire need for food in Africa where one meal a day is considered a luxury. Just look at how quickly you responded to the February Food Drive! These children are at risk for losing THAT one meal. Currently, there is no food to feed these children.

CLICK HERE TO DONATE TO RESCUE FOR RAPHA

How important is education? It keeps the older girls out of prostitution and sexual slavery. It prevents boys from becoming child soldiers and criminals. Without the school, the kids would find themselves working in the fields as child laborers, selling whatever they can find in the market, and exposing themselves to even worse exploitation.

Ask an African child--which do you need more education or food? They always pick education. "If we have food and no education, we know we're dead anyway." I take for granted my own children's education here in the U.S. In Africa, it is about life and death for kids, and right now 357 kids are staring at a desperate future. If the Rapha school folds, 357 children will face the "orphan future" of drugs, alcohol, prostitution, slavery, crime, and suicide. We can stop all of that at Rapha today and set them up for a bright future.

CLICK HERE TO DONATE TO RESCUE FOR RAPHA

These children had no hope for their lives before the Rapha school started. Ruth, the founder of the school, rescued these children the first time. Pulled them from abject poverty and provided for their food and their schooling. Now, that's all at risk. I can't bear the thought of a child leaving the Rapha school and turning to prostitution or crime to survive. I can't consider the potential exploitation of hundreds of young children. And it won't happen if we respond together.

Rapha is one of several Ugandan communities that is on track for full sponsorship later this Spring. However, present circumstances are now threatening 357 children. The founder of the Rapha school and orphan community died unexpectedly in 2008. Since that time money's been tight, and the Rapha school and orphanage have been operating at a deficit. In fact, the teachers and staff at Rapha School are so committed to these children that they have been working for FREE for over 5 months (no money for teachers' salaries)! HopeChest is ready to pick up this funding for the long term--but we need a bridge to get there. It's about $50/kid that we need right now...

CLICK HERE TO DONATE TO RESCUE FOR RAPHA

Right now, Children's HopeChest is sending out the call to raise emergency funds of $18,054.

Along with the 55 orphaned children that live at Rapha Village, they have a school for 251 other children (Rapha Primary School) as well as pay for schooling for another 51 children (including 6 university students). Total, they provide education and food to 357 children. Your gifts will keep the children's school fees paid and ensure Rapha has enough food to meet their need for the next few months. Also, part of your gift will be used by Children's HopeChest to build a bridge toward sponsorship in Uganda.

Just $50/kid keeps a Ugandan orphan fed and in school until CHC can activate our sponsorship program...can you help?

CLICK HERE TO DONATE TO RESCUE FOR RAPHA

Please put "Rescue for Rapha" in the notes section of the giving page.

You can help Children's HopeChest build a bridge to more consistent funding through sponsorship. If this is fully funded, it will rescue Rapha from their current circumstances, and also accelerate CHC's launch in Uganda.

Katie, a Colorado woman who lives part time in Uganda, had this to say of the Rapha school: Rapha School was a forest before Ruth came along to bring education, hope, and love through a school and foster village. I have seen Rapha develop from a small papyrus school into a full primary school, farm, and foster family village. The children in Rapha community prior to Rapha school were unable to attend school and thus continue the cycle of illiteracy in thier families! Now the next generation of Rapha community kids will have a chance to succeed in life!

Praying for Abby...

2009-03-02T22:13:00.005-06:00

Wanted to remind anyone out there reading to pray for Abby. I have never met this family. I am a blogger and read other blogs and happened upon ...where laughter lives in my cyber-travels. God knew I needed to read along and share in the joy and sorrow of this family. He knew I needed to see exactly how sorrow can be used by Him for good. I hate that Abby is going through this hellish battle. I hate that her family has to sit by and watch as Abby suffers. Yet at the same time I know that they are not helpless as we might want to assume. They have the greatest resource and they use it and have been gracious enough to share it with the world. Prayer. They are so filled with the love of God that they allow Him to speak during their worst nightmares. They allow Him to give them comfort and many times joy during this - I can't even find words that fit - I can't even begin to imagine how... It is hard to finish the sentence, knowing I have broken down under much lighter circumstances.

God knew I needed to walk this journey with them - if only through the writings on Brent and Michelle's blog and the prayers I send. I know that I am not the only one. I know there are countless others who needed to see how possible it is to completely lean on God in every circumstance. I think there have been many instances where this has been possible. All I know to say in all the tragedy and heartache, is Praise God, because this really is how He works all things for His glory. As we have sinned and ruined and ravaged the earth, we must also suffer the consequences: death, disease, and so many other evils. God does not abandon us. We must not abandon each other. Please pray for Abby. I know you have others that need prayer as well. Feel free to post if you want. I will pray for them as well.

Leaving on a Jet plane once again...

2009-02-25T23:11:00.003-06:00

Got my ticket booked! Whole trip is going to cost me what just the air travel would have thanks to mileage points I had and others donated to me. I love you guys! What a great way to help out.

Of course this trip and all things leading up to it are full of God stories, I want to share this specific one. As I was trying to get flight worked out using mileage, I discovered I was looking at an overnight layover in Detroit - all by my little lonesome self. I was freakin and C said ABSOLUTELY NOT! Well my option was to pay $600 for a ticket at 3pm to ATL to home or to try and get through customs and to my plane within an hour of landing. Uhhh no thank you, neither was a reasonable alternative. So I just kinda flipped out there on my Facebook status bar "Does anyone have a reliable friend in Detroit?" On the evening prior to doing this I had a conversation with God that went something like this,

"God, I have been trying real hard to get this planned out. It is not working the way I had hoped. So maybe I will take a step back and sorta watch You in action. I mean, I am pretty sure you want me to go on this trip so You gotta work this out. I don't know what else to do."

Well I would love to say that I had this amazing and immediate audible response but I think I have to really dive deeper into my relationship with my Father before He allows me that kind of access. No fear though because the next morning when I posted the status update, He answered LOUD AND CLEAR! My friend, MY FRIEND that I grew up with, lived within 2 miles of, spent countless sleepovers with, played mermaids in the pool with and angels in the backyard with, Barbies in her room and vacations together. MY FRIEND promptly posts back to me

"Hey! I am an hour from Detroit and I AM reliable. What do you need?"

I could have fell out of my chair - WHAT, NO WAY, OH MAN, THIS IS SO COOL!!!!! So I tell her what is going on and she says, heck yeah I can pick you up and take you back. If I had known about it at the time, I may have even done a Ballywood dance for a new GLOGGER friend. Needless to say I got that bad boy booked and, well, uhhhhh

I AM GOING TO UGANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now the not so grand news, at least not for my worldly brain, I will not be traveling with my church's official stamp of approval nor will I receive it on my return. I think that I will have "permission" to recruit sponsors for an orphanage and maybe even get other church's involved or something - I heard No and sort of shut down and didn't listen to rest of details very well. Whatever, God still has the best plan and well with or without official church backing, I want to try to get a community together to care for an orphanage in Uganda. Soooo if you are reading this and you have not already committed to sponsoring a child through any organization please email me. Or if you think your church would be open to hearing more about how they could jump in feet first living out James 1:27 with me - then come on!!! I am not going to be discouraged and let the evil one take me back to my old attitudes. This is not a fit for my church as an HBC mission and that is the way it is. "It is what it is..."

Here is the great news, I am still going to Uganda, camera in hand and heart open wide. I am terrible with details but when I get excited about something I can be pretty contagious - no not infectious, contagious. So now I am just praying for personal patience and discernment and wisdom about how this passion is going to play out and be used. Stay tuned...

A friend talked to me about this guy today at church...

2009-02-16T00:33:00.001-06:00

This is a 6 minute video about a pastor grasping the disparity between the Word and the Church today. Not a church bashing by any means just motivation to really, truly re-evaluate needs verses wants and how that affects our neighbors.

The Plagerizing Blogger strikes again...

2009-02-15T00:43:00.010-06:00

An Easy Way to Make a Difference!!

You guys already know this. . but if not. . .I am heading to Uganda, East Africa on April 28th!

My girl Brandi will be leading a trip for Children's HopeChest. This trip is for pastors and church leaders who may want to have their congregation sponsor an ENTIRE orphanage! We already have 4 churches committed with 3 more considering the trip. Our trip will consist of visiting orphanages, orphan care points and an area of N. Uganda with over 1,000 children living on their own in what are called Child Headed Households. Our prayer is that 400-700 children will be sponsored through this one trip. Please pray with me as we make our final preparations and travel.

We have an opportunity for you! (surprise, surprise, right?!) With this economy, many people's hearts are breaking because their giving has just HAD to go down. They want to give more and more, however, are finding their personal budgets strained. This trip provides a unique giving opportunity. POINTS. We want to be able to offer scholarships to the pastors traveling as many would not be able to take the trip without them. Thankfully, with this economy the number of points needed for int'l travel has gone down as well! We can fly a pastor to Uganda for as little as 80,000 points.

**Just as an FYI, if this pastor sponsors an orphanage of 100 children (and about 95% of the pastors that travel DO sign up) this would translate into $40,800 of donations to the orphans of Uganda in the FIRST YEAR! Getting these pastors to Uganda is a definite investment in the kingdom.

Do you have points that you might want to donate? This is a great way to give more without stressing an already tight budget!!! We can use the following types of points:
AMERICAN EXPRESS
DELTA
NORTHWEST
CONTINENTAL (though this is a bit tricky and costs just a tad. . which we would cover)

If you have ANY points you want to donate, please leave me a comment or contact
Brandi or me at
a_poulse (at) bellsouth (dot) com
or brandi (at) kidslake (dot) org

Any amount will help since we can combine the points into
one account!

Thank you SO much for considering this unique opportunity
to get involved in an amazing work of God in Uganda, East Africa. Brandi has used photos of little ones who are awaiting
a church to sponsor them. . .the pastor you help may be the
one who makes the difference! We can't wait to update you
later on all of the children whose lives will be changed as a
result of your faithful giving if you feel so led!

DISGUSTED....

2009-02-13T21:47:00.003-06:00

So my husband is waiting on me to get off the computer so he can use it. So he is watching some crap on TV in hopes that I will be so irritated that I will go to bed. It is a show about some ridiculous ways to spend money on things that you will either wear out, pee out or well you know where I am going. The only things that would "last" were the diamonds or gold and well I am pretty sure I have read that they will burn one day. So people have actually spent $4500 to buy ONE COOKIE!!! and here is the kicker, it is your own recipe. HUH???? How about the $25,000 sundae at Serendipity? Uhhhhhhh... And maybe you would like to take an Evian bath for $5000. have you ever reversed the word Evian? N.A.I.V.E. yeah because there is absolutely no value in putting your body in that water - it is water that you pay $5ooo for.

And if that is not enough, how about a $1.8 million dollar vehicle that requires $60,000 a year in warranty fees along with $7000 for wheels and tires that must be changed every 5000 kilometers? Am I missing something?

Check this out...

2009-02-13T16:24:00.003-06:00

So I am going to Africa, we need a newer used vehicle, we want to adopt again, and of course would love to move closer to Chris' work or at least to a house with a sweet yard for the kid(s) to play in (our house is absolutely all we need, I am just dreaming out loud.) Well I have begun couponing and just trying to find ways to cut expenses (oh yeah, Chris got a motorcycle to cut the gas cost a little.) So one of the blogs I check for coupon ideas also does some giveaways. So I am giving her some props...

Check out
http:// thecentsiblesawyer . blogspot . com
(remove spaces)

I AM GOING TO UGANDA!!!

2009-02-11T22:43:00.004-06:00

Ok for starters - Please pray right now. I have 2 families I would love for you to pray for.

Pray for Abby. She is battling Leukemia. She is beat down and fighting for her life. I am telling you the struggle this child has gone through at 4 years old would have sent me into a tailspin. Pray for the Rigg's family and follow their journey. Be inspired by the way they CHOOSE to live, the attitude they CHOOSE to have. Be in awe of the God they serve who allows them those choices.

Pray for another adoptive family. They have recently adopted a sibling group through foster care and are facing some serious hurdles. Pray that God will heal the hurt that their children have suffered before joining their family. Pray for guidance and discernment for the parents as they are forced to make tough decisions. Grief and loss in adoption is really a lifelong journey. Every child will deal with it in a different way but they will ALL deal with it. Pray that this family has the strength they need to guide their hurting children on this devastating journey through grief and only God knows what else.

Thank you for taking the time to pray with me for these wonderful families.

Now you can pray for my family as well. I am going to Africa! Uganda to be specific. Even better than that, I get to go with my new friend Brandi. Ok so this is what the trip is about. Children's Hope Chest is an organization created to provide physical, emotional and spiritual support for orphans. They began their model for orphan sponsorship in Russia. They have also begun programs in Africa - Swaziland, Ethiopia and now Uganda. Their goal is to give the local church the chance to sponsor an orphan village. I think this is so cool because it not only provide much needed resources for the orphan community but it is one community working together to do this. So you and others within your within church community have the common bond of sharing your life with children in Uganda. You have the opportunity to travel and meet the orphan community you are sponsoring. If you can't go then others will go and you will see videos and pictures of what is going on in your "sister community."

As I was researching this to present this to our church's mission team, I also discovered how Hope Chest's model not only provides food and nourishment and medical care for the child but they also build in means for the older children to learn trades so that as they grow into adulthood they will be able to sustain themselves through employment in area. The possibility exists that sponsors will continue to care for their sponsored child and if able provide the means for their child to attend a university.

I am so excited to travel and see areas where the program is already in place (although newly in place) and also to the other areas in need of sponsorship. This is something I have been wanting to be a part of since I opened my eyes to the cry of the orphan. This is going to be an amazing trip and I can't wait to share more with you about it!!

Please be in prayer for my sweet blogger friends as well as for this trip and just how God wants to use me in all this.

My heart is breaking...

2009-02-07T09:00:00.003-06:00

I hope you have taken the time to read about Abby. Even if you haven't take some time right now and every time you load up your computer to pray for the Riggs family. Abby has been through more medical tests, medications, pain, suffering and so much more in her 4 years then Chris has been through during his battle with Colitis. I am not sure if my tears come more from the thought of her suffering or in reading about the joy her family is able to live knowing and seeking the perfect will of our Heavenly Father. I want to be that way. Chris has been down lately due to pain localized in his rectum (the remaining parts not taken during first surgery) and I get down and fearful and disappointed. As I read the Rigg's blog, perfectly titled "Where Laughter Lives...," I am motivated to live that same life of joy, the life God always meant for us.

Pray for them: God we sincerely place our trust in Your perfect will. We know You adore Abby and her family, all you children. We pray that You will heal this baby girl and all will know Your Glory. God let us all be moved and encouraged by the faith and joy of the Rigg's family.

Abby, I have never met you or your wonderful family, but I love you guys and pray for you and laugh and cry with you. One day we will rejoice together!

2 years of potty training, really????

2009-01-31T15:39:00.003-06:00

Seriously, is there an end to this? He has been home for 2 years and we are still working on this. During the day we are pretty good but he does still have accidents from time to time. When he does get a nap during the day, Mondays, Fridays and weekends are the only days really, he sometimes still sleeps so hard he has accidents. The pee is not bugging me so much. Unfortunately his bowel movement schedule has changed and it is happening as he sleeps. UUUGGGGHHHH!!!! Frustrating. I need to get him trained to go before bed like he used to do. When he goes in his pull-up the sheets have to be changed not because it leaks but because the stink sticks to the sheets and blanket and doesn't air out. Poor guy, he HATES it when I change him during the night and then of course I am frustrated too. I tend to stay up until midnight or later so this is why I catch it and can change him before morning.

Oh well, he can't help it. I am just tired of buying pull ups and scraping poo off the boys butt.

A few random things - but exciting too...

2009-01-29T16:00:00.004-06:00

First - my boy got shots today, 2 in each leg. I have never heard that cry before, it made me sad but I was ok. He just kept screaming no. It was over very quickly and a sucker and 2 stickers made everything better.

Second - I still LOVE TEACHING my class. I have been a little more impatient lately but I think I am letting a little stress seep in. I really do love those kids though, we have the best time ever!!! We do the craziest stuff and have some wild snacks. Today we made rice crispe snowmen. The kids cracked me up with the faces they made when they got the stuff in their hands. They said "It's sticking to my hands," a little perturbed that we would do such a crazy thing to them. Then because they were a little weirded out by the texture a few of them just mashed their mouth into it to eat it without touching it. I didn't have my camera.

Third - this is the exciting stuff. I met with our missions pastor about the possibility of our church sponsoring an orphanage in Uganda. The meeting went so well. I had already decided (I have to STOP doing this) that he would say no. But that was not the case at all. He guided me well. He wanted to make sure I had thought through and had narrowed my focus, making sure that I am committed to the area I choose to advocate for. He also helped me think of things that weren't on my radar. Me, I am just all fired up and excitable and want to jump into things. He is more experience on me and a little wiser and helped me to see a bigger picture of exactly what I am trying to get into. I loved that about our meeting. So now I am at the point of, Do I go on the vision trip with Brandi to Uganda in April/May?

Last night I got to present my desire to the missions team that I am a part of at church. But that is just it - I struggle with the statement, My Desire. Is it just that or is it God guiding me on a journey He has planned for me. I know we are adopting from Africa next (nothing in the works just yet.) So is this another part of that journey? Then what about China? Am I abandoning China. I love China. I want to go back to China. I want to take Sawyer to China to see NaiNai and YiYi again. China would be my first tattoo Brandi:) Africa after that!!

I just think too much sometimes and then I don't even trust my own thoughts. So I am taking Brandi's advice and backtracking to start this process in prayer with Chris. I have been praying today on my drive back and forth to school. I "feel" pointed to Africa and the trip in April. I get scared with $$ and about what is best for Jman. Maybe if you have read all the way to this point you would take a moment to have a chat with God too. I want to make a wise choice not an emotional one. I want to be invested in this, in it for the long term. I don't want to be super excited now and then get all complacent after a few months or a year. I just want to let go of control and follow God wherever He leads me.

I am so tired right now. I feel like I have been running and running with no down time. I started couponing - oh that would be #4. It is exhausting and time intensive as I get the hang of it. However, I have gotten free toothpaste, free micro-lunch bowls, cheap shampoo, and SUPER cheap toaster strudels ($0.25 each.) I think I am starting to get the hang of it. I am ready for a day of rest. More than just body rest I need some brain rest. And as I type about brain rest I remember that I have Chinese New Year pictures and story to share. Sigh... I will try to get motivated to post again soon.

Please don't forget about Abby. She is battling through this round of chemo and I know she has to be somewhere beyond exhausted along with her family. Please keep up with the Rigg's family and pray for them every time to get on the computer, or get in the car, or in your quiet time, anytime and all the time.

I am off to work childcare tonight. It is going to be a long night but I should get motivated once I get there. I am a little worried about my husband because the Honda is acting up (clutch) and he let me a message about needed me to come get him. Ha!! He will be in for a surprise!!! So I can't relax now until that is taken care of and I know he has a way home. Of course then I will just be worried about the vehicle and what our next step with it will be. Sigh....

Praying for Abby...

2009-01-13T19:51:00.002-06:00

Will you pray for Abby?

2009-01-11T00:09:00.005-06:00

I wanted you to know about Abby.

She was adopted from Guatemala. At three years old, she was diagnosed with a high-risk, aggressive form of Leukemia. Certain genetic complications have put her chance of surviving the treatment at about 20%.

I am praying for her and her family. Would you pray for them too?

You can find more about Abby here, on her family blog: http://www.riggsfamilyblog.com/2009/01/about-abby.html

Uganda Vision Trip (Part 1)

2009-01-09T09:03:00.003-06:00

Here are three videos to show the GREAT need of children in Uganda. They need food, shelter, medical attention, love. They need someone to CARE about them. We can do that. Through a simple $34 sponsorship and a commitment to pray, write letters, send gifts and hopefully join a trip once a year to visit - that is my FAVORITE part. So if you are not already sponsoring a child through this or another organization why not make that a new years resolution you can keep. Maybe you do sponsor a child and if you can skip the gym membership and run outside, skip a restaurant meal and eat at home or any other means of re-budgeting that $34, please join me in working together to sponsor a whole orphanage in Uganda. I am so excited about this and want to share the experience with you!

My heathen child...

2009-01-05T09:25:00.002-06:00

is upstairs chanting to some unknown source "Make mommy dead, make mommy dead, make mooooommmmmmyyyy deadddddd!!!!"

Apparently he is irritated by the fact that I will not let him watch TV while we are praying. Actually my fault for leaving the TV on while we are eating breakfast and any other meal - BAD HABIT!!!!

I get tired of the attitude but he still doesn't realize that I am SO much more stubborn than he is and I WILL NOT BACK DOWN!!! No matter how stinkin' cute he can be. Ok you caught me in a lie - maybe 5% of the time I let some things slide...

He knows about second chances and that saying sorry seems to make things better.
So now we have to move on to "what are you apologizing for?"
Then he says for not doing what you said - he is so vague!!!
We say "well what did we say?"
Many times he is stuck here because he just hasn't got a clue.
Then he is reminded and says he is sorry for that
Then we always tell him we forgive him

We have this story in a bedtime book called Lazy Lumplebee or something like that. It is pretty funny because he goes to work everyday and comes home with something as payment but somehow ruins every time. His mom tells him what he should have done and he says "Ok, I will do that next time." So now that is Jman's new phrase. It is quite amusing.

********************
If you came to this post but have not read the previous one, please scroll on to it as well or click to is here

Do you want to live out James 1:27 with me...

2009-01-05T04:55:00.004-06:00

So I met 2 of my blogger friends IRL on New Year's Eve - finished off the year right!!! Well Brandi is leading a Children's Hope Chest vision trip to Uganda in April. Rather than try to use my feeble brain to remember and most likely mess up the information, Brandi was kind enough to post this so I could steal it...

From Brandi:

Want to go to Uganda?

You guys know that I am heading back to Uganda in April to lead a HopeChest Sponsorship Trip Want to come? I figured I'd put the trip details up here and see if anyone is interested in coming or in pitching it to your ministry team at your church!! We are hoping to have 10 churches, businesses or even towns represented that are interested in possibly sponsoring an orphanage (meaning finding individual sponsors for 60-100 children and committing to building a relationship with that orphan community). Please join us in prayer! We are hoping to have most of the trip planned this month. If you think your church would be interested, email me and I can help you with more details! brandi (@) Kidslake (dot) org

Goal of the trip? The trip is for those who are interested in possibly sponsoring an orphanage or looking more deeply into the HopeChest concept We will be touring/spending time at orphanages or orphan care points that are in need of sponsors and also ones that are currently sponsored (although they will be newly sponsored so the difference won't be as vast as say. . .a year from now)

Cost of the Trip? $1300 for on ground fees. This includes visa, travel insurance, all lodging, travel and food in country. The Flights usually cost around $1700 roundtrip.
Sidenote: I thought this was high at first but watched very carefully how the money was spent and they are VERY careful. Also, if money is left over at the end, they will either use it for orphanage needs or add it to the pastoral account. They actually found out before our trip that the $1500 quote was too high and refunded money to people!

Pastoral Scholarships? We don't want money to be a reason that someone doesn't come on a trip. This is mainly because almost 100% of the pastors who come on a trip end up having their church sponsor an orphanage! So, while we want to be conservative with our pastoral scholarship money (mainly b/c we have to raise it all ourselves!) we also want to offer it when necessary! These scholarships are provided for a church decision maker. i.e. the Pastor, Missions Pastor or lay leader who can "make the call" about whether or not to proceed.
Come Along! If a church signs up to sponsor an orphanage, they are going to need a lay leader to help run the charge at their church. How about proposing to your church not only the possibility to sponsoring an orphanage, but offering to lead the charge! Might I suggest YOU coming along with your pastor or leader as well! (that is, if you aren't the pastor or leader that your church sends!)

We currently have 9 people that are planning on pitching this to their churches and others in the next couple of weeks. Please be in prayer for these girls as they meet with their leadership. We are praying that God fills this trip up in His wisdom and sovereignty. Please join us in prayer!

So there you go. Pray for me as I approach our church about this. Pray that even if that door is not opened that there are 60-100 others that would be willing to partner with me to sponsor an orphanage - because church is not JUST a building. Finally pray with me about going on this trip in April - I REALLY WANT TO GO, but I want to make sure that desire is God-led and not Anne-led. Yes, I am still trying to give up the reins - a constant struggle it seems. One cool thing though - there is someone already wanting to go with me on the trip, hmmmmmm!!!

2009 - Great already...

2009-01-01T23:17:00.003-06:00

Ok I am so behind. I have lots of photos and video to share. I am still figuring out our new camcorder so the video may take some time. Photos will be on sooner. Just words for now though.

Christmas was excellent as I said. On Saturday we loaded up in Sha Sha's car and headed east again on I10 then on down I75. This time we took a few extra days and spent all the time in Orlando except Tuesday when we drove to Lauderdale for the Dr. Appt. We talked to Jman after we got down there about which park he would like to go to and hands down he chose to go meet Lightning McQueen at Hollywood Studios. It was great - had a blast. My Christmas present to Chris was that I didn't complain about the money we spent - IT WAS HARD!!!! It is so expensive to do anything anymore. We had fun and it really is the first vacation we have taken on our own, where Chris didn't have to go to class during the day. We had a blast.

To make the time there even better - I got to meet two incredible women and their adorable kids. I only thought their kids were cute in the pictures on their blogs but these kids are so stinkin' cute it is crazy. So yeah, Chris, Sawyer and I had lunch at Downtown Disney with Lisa and her three and Brandi and her three. so we ended up with a 2nd grader, three - 4year olds, and three more kids 3 years and under. Crazy fun times. I am ready for Africa!!! I'm ready, so anyone want to throw some coins in my piggy bank?

Chris' appointment went well. Dr. Sands was more interested in Jman than in Chris though. She came in and saw the boy and commenced to tickling and harassing him. She told Chris - I don't care how you are, how is the boy. I love her, she is hilarious! When Jman got tired of the harassment and got whiney, she moved on to Chris and was glad he was doing well. She is still wanting to do the J-Pouch so we are a little confused from last visit to this one but then again, we are always confused. I still can't help but think that God stopped the first surgery leaving the rectum for a reason. There was no Chrohn's so that was not the problem. I am really hoping Chris can be reconnected (small intestine to rectum) and be finished in one more surgery. Dr. Sands wasn't excited but said she would work with us. She wants to take a bunch of biopsies over Chris' Spring Break to be sure that leaving the rectum is a good option. She wants to be sure there is no dysplasia (abnormal cell growth) and be as sure as possible that the colitis is not in his rectum also. So for now Chris is bagging it and doing great!

I think there is more but I am running low on battery in the computer and in me. I know I have lots of funny Jman stories to share but I will need Chris to help me remember them...

Ohhh wait I do have a few photos I can share:

Ohhh the "F" word...

2008-12-25T01:09:00.003-06:00

Come on people - not that one, I was talking about FORGIVENESS!

A sweet, dear friend wrote a devotional and shared it on her blog. Sitting here on Christmas morning (just barely) I am reminded of just how miserable I was last year. It really was all because of my inability, no my unwillingness to forgive someone. God spent a long time with me on this one. There have been many other times of not forgiving but this was definitely a major one. Now a whole year later I am having the best Christmas EVER and I am so unbelievably grateful for the forgiveness of my Saviour, over and over again. Wow! Forgiveness really is about you and God, not you and the person who hurt you. In fact, sometimes, they never even really know that you have forgiven them because they don't always know they have hurt you. Check out my friend's devotional. Merry Christmas!!!!!

forgiveness

Like I said in a previous post, my Christmas devotional was actually the second one I had written; I wanted to publish my first on here in hopes that the Lord will use it to work in the life of one of my readers (since I have SOO many readers...right?!?). I hope you enjoy!

When I think about Christmas, I think of God’s gracious gift of His Son, Jesus, and worshipping Him together with my family and friends. But for many people, thinking about or spending time with family during Christmas drives them further from Christ because they have not forgiven the wrongs committed against them by their family and closest friends. Instead, the holidays only serve to fan the smoldering flames of anger and pain. How heartbreaking it is that during a season meant to be full of cheer and love, we feel resentment and hurt all around us.

Christ has his children (His most loved ones) hurt Him and mistreat Him all the time. He would be justified if He didn’t want to spend Christmas with us. He has the right to be angry with us for the things we do, knowing He hasn’t done anything but love us and give us the best He has to offer. He would be 100% justified if he chose not to forgive us based upon the way we treat Him. But, as children of Christ, He always chooses to forgive us, and always chooses to love us and invite us into an intimate fellowship with Him, no matter how we’ve mistreated Him. Not only does Christ forgive our sins, but He forgets them. We have wronged the Creator of the world and He came to earth to wipe our slate clean. Wow.

Isn’t it sad that we as Christians do not act in the same way? Christ calls us to love and forgive. Even if someone has wronged you for years, you have absolutely no right to hold onto that anger. A lot of Christians view forgiveness as their final goal in a broken relationship, when forgiveness should be the starting point in mending the relationship.

I pray this season will be one of joy, cheer and forgiveness.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

A post from a post from a post...

2008-12-20T08:05:00.003-06:00

Saw this on Brandi's site and I loved it too. Reminds me of the idea of being gloriously ruined...

Franciscan Blessing

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths and superficial relationships so that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and wars o that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in the world so that you can do what others claim cannot be done

to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

And then there were 3...

2008-12-12T18:00:00.005-06:00

Two years ago today Guo Jia Hui officially became Sawyer JiaHui Poulsen AKA Jman or the boy.

We celebrated last night at Chuckie Cheese's and had one of the best times since China. I am about the head out the door for sushi with some friends so surprisingly I will be leaving a short post. But here are some photos to make up for it.

Chris took one photo of me, well actually of the largest part of me. He was very smart to delete it. Yes his sense of humor is back and even though I get to be the BUTT of the jokes, I AM LOVING HAVING MY MAN BACK!!!!!!

Happy JiaJia Day...

2008-12-11T22:02:00.002-06:00

Two years ago today our son walked into a room scared, anxious, crying and just plain not interested in us at all. Two years. I just have a hard time understanding that it has only been two years. I really do not remember much about life before him. We love that little boy!

We celebrated again this year at Chuckie Cheese. I have pictures and will upload later. Jman had a blast and momma and Baba did to. It was a incredible night.

HAPPY PRINCE JIA JIA DAY!!! sweet boy. We love you with all our hearts.

Rear View...

2008-12-09T22:24:00.003-06:00

I sent an email update about the recent visit to Lauderdale but forgot to post it here. We made the trip just the 2 of us. It was nice. The boy didn't miss us a bit really. When we talked on the phone he would say "Hey Mama, whatchyou doin? I love you. Wo Ai Ni. Bye Bye." He was busy playing and getting punched in the eye. Yeah you read that right. When we got home we booked it to church to surprise him at school. His left eye was a deep shade of purple and he was not particularly happy to see us. The best story we can get is that he and Andrew were shoving each other in A's bedroom and at some point Jman's head nailed the bed. According to older sister T, a week later, Jman only cried because he was begging them not to tell Mrs. Amy (their mom.) Poor kid all he cared was that A didn't get in trouble and have to stop playing I guess.

Now onto the more boring stuff. The appointment went well. Dr. was happy about how Chris was doing and how he looked. She admitted her surprise that the pain was gone. God is good and doesn't play by our rules or probabilities or statistics. Chris told her about the pain in the rectum and she decided to do a scope. You will think I am crazy but I stayed in the room for this. I was actually interested to see the insides. Poor guy though - I pray I never have to do that. It was like reverse stirrups and lasted a lot longer than any exam I have had. Oh wait, I have had an internal ultrasound - so I retract that statement.

Based on what she saw (took biopsies that Chris will check on tomorrow) she gave us the possibilities. He could have active disease in his rectum. If so then it will definitely be removed. Or he could have diversion colitis (I am pretty sure this was the correct term) which is inflammation simply because there is no poop going through there. This would be a good thing because she could just hook his intestine to rectum and the problem might be solved. This is what I want but we will see what God has planned. We are still sitting pretty no matter what as far as I am concerned. She gave him some suppositories to deal with the inflammation and we will be back down there on the 30th.

He went back to school yesterday. I think that was the best medicine for him. He came home today in the BEST mood in a long time. Life is good in the Poulsen house tonight. I love seeing him this way. It has been a long time. I pray that there are many, many, many more days of feeling good ahead. Oh man I want him to feel great and energetic and joyful.

School is still going great for me. I love my kids. Sunday mornings are awesome too. I work with another great lady on Sundays - seriously I have some great partners in class this year. It makes such a difference. I just wish there were more teachers who would let these little kids be kids. For school we spend more time watching them taking direction from them. They LOVE to dress up. We have had a beauty shop, and princess vet shop, hospital, prepare for company, princess, cowboy, and construction workers. I really need to get the paint back out because it has been a while since we painted. December is great because we talk about Jesus' birth. It is the best story and the kids love it. We reenact the whole scene.

I need to post some pics of my beautiful new tree. I really should get a picture of the black eye even though it has faded to the ugly green. Oh yeah and my skinny hubby. Photos coming soon...

Life is a highway...

2008-11-30T22:27:00.003-06:00

Or the Florida Turnpike these days. We are headed back to Lauderdale again tomorrow. Chris has an appointment Tuesday with his surgeon. We are assuming that we will discuss what and when the next step will be. This trip is going to be JUST THE TWO OF US!! We are a little giddy about it really. We love the boy with all our hearts. We have also discovered the importance of time away from the boy.

On separate occasions Chris or I have been away from him for a weekend or just over a week. This will be two nights of both of us away. Of course he is going to be at his good buddy Andrew's house so he will be fine. The only real risk is that he may keep Andrew up too late. Andrew's mom is pretty certain she will let them fall asleep in different rooms.

On to the health update. Tomorrow marks 5 weeks since surgery. Overall, healing and recovery has gone well. The wound is practically healed, he is wearing a band-aid over it now. The ileostomy is working like a charm. The previous pain seems to be gone. He is having pain in the rectal area. Our amateur diagnosis is that he has disease there too. Even though I am quite graphic, I will not go into detail as to why we have come to this Dx. We hope to find out from the visit Tuesday. Chris' strength is coming back slow and steady. He has helped me rearrange the spare bedroom into a playroom / work space (it is an unbelievably large room.) He also put lights up on the house as we begin preparing for the Christmas season. He is mentally healed to go back to work but his body is a little behind. We are both praising God for this new journey. We may still have a few bumps ahead and have confidence and faith that God will equip us with what we need to make it.

We had a good Thanksgiving Holiday. Jman sang for us at his school. He was my little pumpkin, dressed like a pumpkin, singing about pumpkins. We had lunch at Chris' parents and visited with Baby P. My boy is in love with that sweet little girl. Unfortunately, Chris was feeling quite yucky and tired after lunch so we didn't make it to my family's house for supper. Instead, me and the boy dropped Chris off at home then took all the leftovers we accumulated over to Andrew's house. Jman had a great time playing and is looking forward to spending a couple days with him.

Finally I just want to say that we are so incredibly blessed. God has been guiding me in so many ways. I don't always recognize it at first. I really have learned a lot about who God is and the kind of relationship He wants to have with us. I am reading "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning. This is a great book and has helped me to get a better understanding of Grace. What an amazing thing Grace is. I have several quotes I want to share from this book. I am trying to read more and spend less time on the computer.

Grace - I don't understand it. We don't deserve it. But there it is, Grace. God has blessed us with amazing support and love. I don't know what this journey has meant for Chris but I know that for me, God has been guiding me towards a more accurate understanding of His Grace. I don't know how to explain it right now but I hope that God will give me the words at some point.

I have been sitting here with this post opened up for more than an hour. At this point I don't even know where I started and so certainly don't know how to end it. Seriously people, I am borderline ADD or something. So we will just have to end with some photos of the boy...

A family shot sporting our new AHOPE shirts. I have to get Chris one now.

Here's my pumpkin and his BFF at school.

The infectious smile accompanied by maniacal laughter.

Trying for a family shot and he is uncooperative for no apparent reason...
oh wait, he is 4, I guess that would explain everything.
And of course evidence of who taught him the EYE ROLL!!! As if anyone needed proof.

What if????

2008-11-24T00:47:00.000-06:00

Thanks Stephanie!!

Tales from a sporadic blogger...

2008-11-22T09:09:00.004-06:00

I have noticed that I get in modes of blogging and then fall off for a while. Sometimes I really do think I have adult ADD. Focus, Focus, Focus. Sometimes, like now, I will have multiple books going and take MONTHS to finish them. I try to clean and will find myself in another room organizing something that caught my eye instead of just finishing the room or area I first started. Even mowing the grass I get sidetracked. I will see a small piece I missed and swerve over to get it and then I am all over the place. Chris like the baseball field look which is why he doesn't let me do it very often. I am sure there are many others out there like me. It just drives me crazy sometimes.

Now on to the point I really had in logging on to my blog. Chris' recovery. I think I would characterize it as good. That wound is still healing. Earlier this week the home health nurse discovered that there was a tunnel from the wound up 6 cm long following the already closed incision site. I will be honest I was a little bummed about that. It was supposed to be getting better not worse. Nurse told him to slow down, take it easy. He had been up to walking a mile around the neighborhood and we weren't really keeping a total "low profile" like we needed to. Praise God, only 3 days later that wound had healed up 4 cm.

Chris did make 2 trips to the ER this week. Don't get alarmed though. First time was because he had that inflammation in his arm again and then it seemed to have jumped over to the left arm too. Found out he has phlebitis and cellulitis. They gave him two ATB's and told him to do moist heat on it. They are getting better already. Second trip to ER was because of that pain in his belly worrying him. He was concerned there could be an abscess or something that was BAD going on in there. They did scans and tests and I have no idea what but found nothing to be concerned with. At least it put his mind at ease, mine too.

Sitting around the house is killing him though. It is just not good for his psyche. So we went to the Library the other day and he got an Ian Fleming book with 3 Bond stories in it. If we have some outdoor furniture I am sure he would have gone outside to read. I think I want some of those Adirondack loungers but not sure what Chris thinking about.

Jman is doing pretty good easing back in to our non-routine, routine. We go to school 3 days a week and sit with a sibling group of 4 on another day. We are staying really busy, I don't know how it happened. Jman is so good after class to by letting me hang out and get things cleaned up and ready for my next day of class or my Sunday morning 3-year-old Life Group. I guess that means I am teaching 4 days a week now. I am still having a GREAT year and I praise God for that. I could so easily fall into my negative, miserable, depressing, self-pitying, downhill spiral that I was on last year. God is good and He has given me everything I need to be mentally healthy this year. Now if I could just get myself physically healthy...

I am on the verge of being distracted again so I will leave with some photos of my new classroom. Yeah I said it my classroom. I totally take ownership of what I am pouring myself into so I think it is ok for me to say it is my classroom as long as I am considerate to all others using the room. (long story)

View from entrance, what a GREAT window!!

The puppet stage, teacher's desk and entrance.

The closet. I now have an industrial metal shelving unit in there that Chris and I got on clearance at Target years ago. It fits perfectly to hold all my JUNK. It is a huge closet.

Home living and dramatic play area. I am trying to figure out a way to create something for the dress-up clothes to hang on.

Another view of Home living and Book center right beside it.

As you can see there were GIANTS hanging the cubbies on the wall. They are up SO HIGH!!!!

Book center. Jman was feeling the need to be in every picture.

The circle time rug. Also the puzzles, blocks and manipulative's storage area.

View from entrance of art center.

The art center. I have an easel for painting and also an easel with magnetic chalkboard on one side and felt board on the other side. I need some ideas for that felt board - modern ideas.

Blowing this popsicle stand...

2008-11-08T19:32:00.002-06:00

Chris is out of the hospital. We are about to get some sleep. We are heading towards Milton tomorrow at a leisurely pace.

Praise God for all that we have been through but more importantly in how he has changed us and guided us. In Jesus name, Amen.

Catching up...

2008-11-06T22:28:00.002-06:00

Where to start - I am slacking a little. It is all starting to wear on all of us.

Last night I snuck him some Ben and Jerry's. He only ate about 1/4 of it - a small one not a quart:) Either that or taking his sleeping pill on an empty stomach caused him some nasty nausea last night. Just nausea though so that was good I guess, Chris would not say that it was good. Temp was down all day today below 100, but just before we left tonight at 9pm it was back at 100.

Other news - they took the IV out around 3pm because his veins are SHOT!! Dr. Sands decided to put an IV line directly into his jugular. His arms are soooooo wrecked, they hurt too and are bruised thanks to the Heparin (blood thinner.) So he was without ATB's and fluids (except oral intake) until around 8:30pm tonight. Dr. Sands also decided to take out a stitch or 2 in his abdomen to allow the purulent area to drain more. Still getting the two ATB's for the wound infection and possible UTI. They are also putting him on some Imodium to help slow the output. He has to be under 1200 mL to make sure he doesn't dehydrate. FYI - your colon is where most of your H2O is absorbed. Now that Chris doesn't have one of those he has to keep an eye on output because he will loose more H2O now through the ostomy. So he may end up on an Imodium type med - we can live with that. Oh yes and Dr. Sands said maybe, possibly a couple more days...

There may be more but had a slightly emotional night trying not to get my feelings hurt. So here are my prayer requests since I haven't given any specific ones lately:

1) Chris - emotional and physical well-being. This is wearing on him big time. Especially that set back. He has to be very careful about the thoughts he thinks (I am the same way.) Sometimes you start believing the craziest things just because you keep thinking them. Pray that God fills Him with hope and love and joy.

2) That I deal with any selfishness and or egos or anything like that and get it out of the way before I get to the hospital each day. Chris doesn't need to deal with my issues on top of his.

3) That we are able to take all this suffering and pain and make something of it. Whether by being more compassionate to others who are suffering, or sharing the things we have learned about God through this and how our faith has grown.

4) That when he is released, his body is working well and there are absolutely no hiccups. I want to go home good to go, I just don't think that is too much to pray for. At the same time we live by His perfect will not our own selfish and sinful one.

ohh there is so much more but my son needs to be put down... seriously I am going to TAKE HIM OUT!!! Don't worry, Sha-Sha will keep him from being harmed.

1 week and 1 day after surgery...

2008-11-04T14:12:00.005-06:00

Yesterday was a MUCH better day. He walked 5 laps in morning and 4 in the evening. No nausea to speak of. Having some pain, some spasm type pain - still different from what he had before at least in location. His temperature was up most of the day yesterday. Dr. Sands decided to not wait for second urinalysis and started treating him or a UTI. Last night the nurse put ice packs under both arms and behind his neck to try to cool him down in between Tylenol doses. She
called Dr. Sands who decided he should go ahead and have a CT, they threw in a chest XRay too. Saw a little something in the abdomen - sorry to be gross - but on the lines of a "pus pocket" that could be causing infection. Another Dr. that has been coming around with Dr. Sands and who worked surgery with her, told Chris he could probably swab it right out but that could also open him up to the possibility of it spreading - or something new. So they are letting the ATB's
take a run at it.

I think the UTI is a good possibility as well because when he had the Foley it really wasn't working properly (not that I have ever had one to know.) Chris would have to turn and move to get it to empty. Bladder being backed up just seems like an infection waiting to happen. He is also having some pain in the area of the bladder so there you go - UTI is my amateur Dx.

With all that going on he did not get ANY sleep last night, so he is whipped today. He did get up before we got there and made 3 or 4 laps and he is taking in some nutrients - on liquids until temp/infection is cleared up.

I am still praying to be out of the hospital by weekend. What is it with him and infections at the hospital. In 2003, a staph infection gave us an extra week in the hospital!!

It's all good!! Getting the big boy healthy and trying to keep the little boy emotionally healthy - this is wearing on him a bit. Parks are great though and we are headed there after the nap.

Here we are at the park

check out this cool tree

and there is a monkey in it!!!

swinging with his shadow

and we don't go anywhere these days without the angry eyebrows...

Interesting take on things...

2008-11-03T14:57:00.002-06:00

I found a blog through other blogs I read about a little girl named Abby. She was diagnosed with Leukemia in July 2008 and has been battling since, at times a brutal battle. The post about Operation Princess Hair was for Abby. Consider adding her and the whole Riggs family to your daily prayers. I have no idea what lays ahead for them but I know they are seeking God's guidance every step. I pray continued peace and hope that only God can give to them. Take time to walk the journey with them by following their blog here.

Today as I was catching up during Jman's nap, I discovered that Abby's father puts out an online magazine called Serious.Life Magazine. In light of the craziness of tomorrow (our ballots went in the mail today because we forgot to stop in for early voting before we left so I got to pay $16 just to vote!!!!), I thought these two articles were really great. As I stated in the title, an interesting as well as Biblical take on things. Sign up for the magazine or I think you can just view it online here

http://www.seriouslifemagazine.com/

The two articles specifically are Elections and God on page 15 and then The New America on page 76. Not an intent to change anyone or influence anyone just a way of looking at things I think. The second one is totally in line with things I have been thinking about lately. I am not good or insightful in this area so I am just not going to be able post any deep thoughts. I just think the those who are part of God's church (church not meaning one building or another or one denomination or another but the true church as Jesus meant it all along) need to rethink the way they go about things and remember He is God in Heaven at all times in all circumstances and all He asks of us is Love. I so wish I could make my thoughts legible they just swim around in my head but never make it to print. Check it out and figure out your own thoughts maybe.

Back from my weekend break...

2008-11-03T07:35:00.002-06:00

Hey Stephanie - sorry to leave you hanging! Ok I have to figure out what day is what. Friday he was still crazy nauseous. He had the NG tube in when I went back after trick or treating. It stayed in all night. He told me he was worried he was going to wake up and snatch it out and that is exactly what he did. I can't remember what time he said it happened. They put it back in but the Dr. took it out by the time we came up on Saturday.

Still nauseous all day Saturday but he did make 1 lap around the floor. They had given him a sleeping pill on Friday night and it worked well - I guess that was after the pulling tube out incident. So he asked for it again Saturday night. Unfortunately he barfed it up so did not benefit from it. He had a fairly unpleasant night Saturday night. I stayed with him on Sunday and Sharon and Jman went to a Flea Market type shopping area for the day. I needed a break from the boy - BIG TIME!!! Chris got some morphine and phenargen and konked out. He slept really good all afternoon. Several hours. When he finally came out of the fog he asked me to call them to empty the bag. She was in with someone else at the time and said it would be a bit. Here is the thing with that - I think he is supposed to be doing it. So they are not in a big hurry to come in and do something he could be doing. I don't know that is just my thinking. I try to suggest things to him but don't want to get in any kind of argument at this point in time or make him feel like I am not supportive if him. Anyway - I was standing there looking at it thinking I should just try my hand at it and empty it. Well I couldn't work up the nerve to do it and then - pop, it came loose from his skin because it was too full.

It was the biggest adrenaline rush I have had since I have been here. I know that sounds very weird but I was actually able to do something and it felt good. So I am scrambling trying to help him not make to big of a mess. It was sort of good because now he had to get up out of bed. He is scared to get up because he might get nauseous so this made him get over that fear and get up anyway. I let the nurse know we needed to change the bag. She must have assumed we knew what we were doing because she left me to it. Then I realized we didn't have what we needed and she finally realized there was an accident. So she took over but I watched very carefully. Chris explained to her that the stoma nurse came in but did not stay because he was heaving all over the place at the time. That was Friday so hopefully she will be back in today. Ok back to the bag. I watched and saw it was incredibly easy. That little "pucker" was very cooperative. It was active without the bag for just a moment then was nice and quiet until bag was safely back in place.

Then Chris got up and wiped down - I got to help - yeah me!!! Felt so good to be useful. Then since his bed needed to be changed he sat down in the chair. I was wanting so bad to ask him to try to walk but was a little scared he would get mad at me. Then he decided to try it on his own. I was so glad then that I did not say anything. It is much better when it is his idea. He waited long enough to get his bearings and for the nurse assistant to come in and start changing the bed. He wanted it to be ready in case he finished his walk and needed to crash back down quickly. About that time Sharon and Jman got back. I took J down to the waiting area to play with his new cars. Sharon made 2 laps with Chris. Oh yeah and he had made 2 laps earlier that day too.

So that was great. We left him a little later. Sharon washed some clothes and I tried to get the boy to CALM DOWN!!! and get ready for bed. He is just pinging all the time. Again - please know I "get" that he is dealing with all this too. I just need to let Sha-Sha take him a little more often than I am.

On a cool selfish note, the Publix down here has fresh sushi everyday. It is not terribly expensive and I have been indulging. Not as good as Sake Cafe back home but still calms my craving. I have also been chugging the Mountain Dew like crazy. I have promised Jman that I am getting off the sodas when we get home. Then I thought maybe I should just start now. I could fast sodas. Fasting is always a good thing to do in conjunction with prayer and God knows how bad I am addicted to sodas. I will let you know about that later because I still have some Dew in the fridge.

I plan on taking the boy to the park today to kick his new ball around. We had a BLAST at the park the other day playing football. It was so awesome. Chris is going to love playing with J when he gets better. Jman was hilarious and was making all the right moves for a football player. Good times!!!

I think I am done for now.

The highly anticipated magician...

2008-10-31T19:08:00.006-05:00

The One... The Only... JMan the Great! for your viewing pleasure.

To be perfectly honest there were multiple

moments today when the magician was about to disappear. I know, I know, he is dealing with all this too. I KNOW!! REALLY!! But this is my blog and I will vent all day if I feel like it. As you can see he is perfectly unharmed. That hat gave me a headache. Mrs. Perfectionist combined with Mrs. "I Have to Make Everything Harder Than it Really is." It was an ugly site for a while. And it still got screwed up because on the way to the hospital to get Sha-Sha, my backpack fell into the hat and jacked it all up. Well as you can see in the pictures, it was really "jacked up" but it didn't look as good as before the incident.

Once we got up to Baba's room we realized they were putting the NG tube back in to do some more stomach pumping so we immediately redirected to the waiting area. The boy was not in a most cooperative mode. I pleaded with him to please let me get a few pictures in costume before he destroyed all my hard work. As you can see he totally got into character and was a good

model. He can be such a ham. Of course the people around him oohing and ahhing probably helped as well. Me and Sha-Sha just laughed at him. What a clown! We were able to go in for a moment to see Baba after the tube was in. He got to see the magician. He was not feeling good. They gave him Atavan before the tube insertion so we were hoping he would settle in for some rest.

We left and headed to the Town Center to go Trick or Treating. It was pretty cool. An outdoor type shopping area. Most of the businesses were handing out candy. We saw some great costumes. I was coveting man of them, wanting them for my classroom. Saw a GREAT policeman costume. Sha-Sha made the mistake of saying she needed to get back sewing. I told her I could keep her busy for a while. She said she might like to help me with some more costumes for our dramatic play area. My kids love dressing up. It will be fun to have more outfits to

switch out. Not that Princesses ever get old. Scooby Doo and the dinosaur have been quite popular with the boys as well.

Thankfully it started to rain. Jman did good in the crowd. He is not super assertive but didn't back down or get skiddish either. On the other hand, I had my fill of adults not paying attention and shoving their kids in front of mine. So we took the loot ad headed back to the hotel. His bucket was only half full and with 7 cavities, I was more than ok with that. He was so sweet, he knows I like certain chocolates, Peanut Butter Cups and Twix. He was digging through offering those to me. When I told him I didn't want any right then, he ate the peanut butter cup but set the Twix aside for me.

We ate a hodge podge supper. I asked him and Sha-Sha if I could go see Baba. They were both ok with that. If I didn't go Sha-Sha would have. I haven't really spent much time up here so I

decided I wanted to come up. I have allowed myself to stay distracted by all this by watching after the boy. Tonight when I got here I got a little emotional. Then I felt bad about that because I don't want to stress Chris out. He said the stomach pumping was providing some relief this time. He was watching Gene Wilder in "Young Frankenstein." I was interrupting him chatting too much. So I sat down and plugged into the computer. I think I will hang out here until they bring him some pain and nausea meds. He said he was having a little pain, still surgery pain and not the stuff from before. Praise God!! Weird to say praise God for pain? No, not at all.

I am praising God, knowing that He is healing Chris through all this. I was tempted to doubt because of this perceived setback. Not going to do it though. There is something in all this. There is something in the fact that every where we go someone tells us that Chris' symptoms or condition or results are not typical (as

far as what they have seen.) I can't really put in print all that is swimming in my head. I just know that there is something too all this.

Well he just got some pain meds and Phenargen so I am going to head out and pray he gets some much needed sleep.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Nausea, Nausea GO AWAY!!!

2008-10-30T14:47:00.001-05:00

Got up to hospital today to find out that Chris did not have a good night. Apparently some time after I left (11:00 or so) he woke up and was nauseated again. They put a tube in to pump his stomach empty to see if that would solve the nausea but it didn't. He said he had a bad night. He was on his side when we came in because he had used the upchuck bucket some more. I feel so terrible for him. I gave Sharon the option of which boy she wanted to hang with because Sawyer did not need to stay in there with Chris in that condition. She seemed most inclined to stay with Chris so I went with it.

Me and Sawyer went roaming to try and work out a costume for tomorrow night. Somehow he came to the conclusion he wanted to be a magician. I talked to Sharon some time later and she said Chris had just then (at least an hour later) gotten Phenargen for the nausea. I pray this part passes soon. I hope they just started him on the soft diet too soon. I hope that is all it is. He is back on liquids. I haven't talked to Sharon since then and that has been several hours ago. Sawyer and I found a Walmart and found several things to put together to make him a magician. Then a McDonalds run. Then a Hallmark store and a CVS. Back at the hotel he had a meltdown on me because he wanted to get busy on the costume but I wanted him to nap first. The meltdown pretty much solidified that he NEEDED the nap. So he is snoozing, I am typing and I sure hope things are quiet in Room 360.

It is kind of hard because he seemed to come out of surgery doing really good those first 2 days. And then the great walk yesterday. I got bummed big time last night and even more so today when I found out it hadn't gotten any better. Not saying I have given up or think that this will amount to anything significant. It is just hard. And there is so much I just don't know yet. I know it will be a new normal but what are the rules and guidelines of that new normal. That kind of thing.

Anyway, it's all good and I will post pics when we get the costume completed. For my preschool friends - I am being put to the test, let's see if I can pull this magician costume off, hat and magic wand and all...

2008-10-29T20:09:00.002-05:00

It's gonna be a long one so hang on tight.

Since we are not really going to sleep until around 10, yes even Sawyer (this trip is gonna ruin him) we are not in a hurry to get up in the mornings. We got to hospital around 10:30 or so. Chris was up and hauling booty around the floor. We were seriously having a hard time catching up with him. He made 10 laps. Yeah I said wow too!! We hung out with him for a while then decided to let him eat lunch and take a nap in peace while we wandered around.

Chris told me while we were walking that he and Dr. Sands talked last night after we left. He told her he didn't think the PCA pump was working so she said he could come off that and go on oral narcs, percocet to be specific. He was ok with that. They also bumped him up to soft diet for lunch. Yeah, wow again here too!

After roaming a bit we went back to hotel to eat lunch and then Sharon went back to hospital and me and Sawyer napped - wait for it - 3 hours!!! oh yeah, it was good! Maybe that is why we are up til 10. When Sharon came back she offered to stay with Sawyer and let me come back up and visit Chris. When I got here he had just woke up from a short nap. He was doing a weird little hiccup thing for lack of better description. Trying to yawn but his body catching him and trying to stop it and a strange noise erupting from his throat. He got up to go potty, might as well say pee because we all know he doesn't have to get up to do the other anymore:) When he started back to the bed he was trembling. He was hurting and extremely nauseated. I think he was a little before too. The nurse gave him some Zofran but did not give him the pain meds because he felt like he wouldn't be able to swallow. He was incredibly uncomfortable to say the least. The Zofran (nausea) did nothing. He had to use the upchuck pan and I know that hurt too.

Nurse emptied his bag and said it was a lot more watery and I took it to mean that was not a good thing. We are OF COURSE at shift change. New nurse says she wants to give Zofran time to kick in but takes a last look at my hubby's wrinkled up brow and decides to go ahead and get on the phone. Whoever she talked to was concerned about distention in his abdomen but she did not detect any. She got an order for Morphine (pain) and Phenargen (nausea) and I would say within 5 minutes we were cooking with gas again. The lights are out and he is breathing that nice even sleepy breath. The only noises other than that are my typing and that little pump sending stuff through his veins. It is quite peaceful again.

That was a good 30-45 minutes of NO FUN!! Nurse said the nausea could be from Percocet on empty stomach. Whoever she talked to on phone, pharmacist I am guessing, said if he is not able to eat he will have to got an NG tube for nutrition. Narcs and empty stomach are not a good mix. So we will see what the night holds. I am still in that torn spot of staying and going back to hotel. I can't do anything here except cause him more stress by him worrying about me resting. Plus I am hungry because I haven't eaten supper yet and I haven't had a soda ALL DAY!!! Talk about withdrawal...

Well if you made it all the way through this long email - I say WOW again...

Pray that healing continues, progress continues. That this tonight was a reasonable reaction to meds and changes in meds and that the dr's and pharmacists and nurses get it all figured out what he should be on and all. Ultimately our desire is for Chris to be drug-free and pain free. That is our consistent prayer through this.

Thanks for hanging in there with us. And again, if there is anyone you run into wanted these updates just email me their address or have them email me and I will add them to the group email I send.

Over and Out...